Let’s say you’re having a normal day. You—frantic, unraveling—find yourself standing before the void and screaming into its bottomless, unfeeling maw. “My wife left me!” “People keep saying Mitt Romney is hot!” “Kylie’s lips were a red herring to distract us from the rest of the work she got done while it settled!” Like I said, a normal day.
Suddenly, the void screams back: “I would like to have sex with you.”
I ask you, dear reader, would you?
It’s a question I’ve been pondering ever since I saw this Daily Mail tweet about how a “huge sinkhole with a glowing green liquid oozing out” was spotted in Toronto.
According to BlogTO, which covered the Nickelodeonesque chasm on Friday, the green ooze is actually a liquid tinted with non-toxic dye by city government workers who are trying to figure out whether the sinkhole connects to any nearby sewers.
That answers one of my questions, but what about the other one—the one that was “Would you have sex with this?” As a journalist, I am medically allowed to opt out of answering publicly in the name of “objectivity,” but here’s what a bunch of people whose opinions I respect had to say when I posed the question to them.
Ashley Reese, staff writer at Jezebel:
I will go on the record and say...maybe. I love a ‘90s Nick throwback just as much as anyone else my age, but this might be a little much!
Ty Mitchell, porn star:
Not in broad daylight.
Gretchen Felker-Martin, author of the forthcoming Manhunt:
There’s always been a part of me that would have stopped and stuck my head in the grate if something whispered to me out of the sewer. The idea that I might learn something secret and magical is too alluring to the kid in me who wanted nothing but to claw her way into Narnia and get out of reality, even if probably in this case I’ll just die of ooze cancer or something. Pennywise would’ve gotten his claws on me no problem. In short, yes, I would fuck the slime.
Michete, musician:
My answer is yes, just to feel something.
Jasmine Sanders, writer:
I need to know its gender first. If it’s a girl, yes. Otherwise no.
Tony Tulathimutte, author of Private Citizens:
Do we know if the hole is single though? Is there a Mr. Hole? I only wanna have sex with the green hole in the ground if it’s a lady (I’m straight).
Joss Barton, author of The Summer I Got Bit:
Yes, I would fuck it. The glowing neon green sludge pool would honor my trans womanhood and respect my autonomy as a fully realized human being with hopes, dreams, desires, and joy better than the men on Bumble/Hinge/Tind/Grindr who think I’m their tranny Happy Meal toy: a cheap orgasmic pleasure only meant to enjoy while in between fantasy football and binge-drinking White Claws. In short, yes! I would get more affection by letting the toxic green slime penetrate me than from cis straight dudes.
Vidal Wu, writer and sommelier:
The slime pit has charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent, which is more than I can say about the locals. Yes, I would. Like a do-it-for-the-story kinda fuck, like my first one out of quarantine. Me and this dude were lying on a couch facing each other and just sucking each other’s toes while we jerked off. The slime offers a glimmer of the new in an ocean of repeated experience.
Torrey Peters, author of the forthcoming Detransition, Baby:
No, I would not have sex with it. It looks like the slime from Nickelodeon shows, and Nickelodeon and sex appeal do not got together for me.
Brendan O’Connor, author of the forthcoming Blood Red Lines:
I mean if it is like...seducing me, then maybe. But no, I would not fuck the toxic slimy hole in the ground.
Rachel Pick, deputy director of social publishing at VICE:
Maybe my imagination sucks, but I’m trying to figure out how I would have sex with a puddle of liquid. I think it’s more likely I’d want to drink it or use it as a face mask. Anyway, I’ll try just about anything once, and you can print that.
Grant Rindner, writer and “two-time Canada visitor”:
Yes, as long as we’re both wearing masks and the pit has a recent negative covid test.
Miles Klee, staff writer at MEL:
Listen, I’d love to touch and/or drink that neon street slime and fulfill a lifelong dream of becoming a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. But I think, if my understanding of the science is correct, I’d come out more a tentacled brain blob like Krang, and still 35 years old at that. Tempting, but it’s a no from me.
Cliff Cannon, professor and “transamorous advocate”:
There are limits to open-mindedness.
Bijan Stephen, Twitch reporter at The Verge:
If you’ve decided to fuck the slime, please use protection. I, personally, would not fuck the slime. I would hope that nobody else fucks the slime. However, my girlfriend, Olivia, poses a very good question: Why doesn’t anyone ask who the slime wants to fuck?
What about you, dear reader? Would you?