Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.
Well, hello! Didn’t think we’d be back so soon, did you? Well, neither did I, but then Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz started selling a poster of his gigantic head superimposed onto a muscular and tattooed body, and I take my duties here seriously.
Cruz’s campaign has purchased 200 of the original posters from their designer, the conservative street artist who goes by the name Sabo (other work includes portrayals of Wendy Davis as an “abortion Barbie” and Hillary Clinton as a flying monkey from The Wizard of Oz). They are being sold for $50 each. Unrelatedly, Cruz also has a poster for sale that says “Straight Outta Congress.”
So what do we think? Sure, his face still has that greenish pallor and those dead, squinty eyes, but look at the rest of him. Would you tap that? Let’s see here:
Kate Dries: No.
Madeleine Davies: Hell no.
Anna Merlan: Again: the whole face covered, no talking, pretty drunk.
Jane Marie: Prepare to have your minds blown: no.
Joanna Rothkopf: Yeah from behind or something.
Jia Tolentino: ahahahahhahahahaha
Jia: WHAT IS THIS
Kate: “Or something”
Erin Ryan: Yeah I think if I was going to try pegging I’d want it to be on this exact guy.
Joanna: Whatever guys.
Jia: I’M HAVING NIGHTMARES
Jia: WAKING NIGHTMARES
Julianne Shepherd: Absolutely not, nor do I want to see what the inside of his butt looks like.
Anna: I bet it’s worse than other butts.
Bobby Finger: What’s crazy is that there’s someone (probably more than one person) on this planet who DOES want to see what the inside of his butt looks like.
Bobby: Like someone who is like “Damn I wish I knew what Ted Cruz’s butt looked like.”
Time to rock the vote:
Last time on Would U?, we FINALLY asked: Would you have sex with Justin Bieber? 54% of you said “No,” 26% said “Yes,” and 20% said “It depends. Never say never, you know?”
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via Sabo.