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Would You Have Sex With Larry David?

Illustration for article titled Would You Have Sex With Larry David?
Image: HBO

“Pretty good. Pretty, pretty, prettttttttty good,” I’ve been thinking as I’ve been binging Curb Your Enthusiasm in recent days. I’m not only thinking this because it’s something that creator-star Larry David says a lot, a mantra of momentary approval in a regularly infuriating world. I’m continually impressed by this show that I’ve been meaning to watch for decades but am just now finally getting around to consuming in its entirety—That acclaimed HBO series that everyone loves? Turns out it’s good!—and while I’m regularly astonished by Curb’s ability to find new ways to expose impossibility of civility in a society organized by manners but ruled by subjectivity, my own “pretty good”-ing goes beyond these things as well. I kind of think Larry David is hot?

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More specifically, these are the words that popped into my head while watching a Season 3 episode: “He’s sexy! He’s a sexy man! He’s just a sexy man! You gotta admit! He knows it all, he tells it all!” These are the words of the late Anna Nicole Smith about Regis Philbin, but I think they are even truer for Larry David.

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Larry David is so wise about etiquette and its discontents. He really does know it all and tell it all.

Here are the reasons why I think Larry David would be fun to have sex with:

1. He’d be funny and frank.

2. He has said multiple times on the show that his dick is good, and I’m inclined to believe this. Even if he is lying, I appreciate his confidence.

3. That smile.

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Also, many episodes feature women throwing themselves at Larry. Perhaps this is delusional on the part of the man who wrote these characters so that they could throw themselves at him, but also: maybe there’s something to it.

Granted, I am lusting after a Larry David from almost 20 years ago. Today, Larry David is 72. His hair is less tamed. He’s a bit bonier, his age lines etched deeper. But he’s always going to be Larry, purveyor of sideways charisma and, more importantly, that smile.

So I asked my coworkers via Slack if they would, and here’s what they said.

Kelly Faircloth: The only thing worse than discussing if we would Larry David is EDGING whether we would Larry David.

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Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I would have sex with virtually anyone at this point because nothing matters, so yes, I would have sex with Larry David.

Rich Juzwiak: His smile is nice.

Megan Reynolds: Ew you’re right. His smile is nice. Help.

Maria Sherman: left #_k_jezebel.

Ashley Reese: Wait the smile is nice.

Megan Reynolds: I’ve given it some thought. His smile is nice, if he talks a good game about having a good dick then maybe, yes, there’s some truth there. And life is meaningless anyway, the fires are coming.

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Rich Juzwiak: I feel so accomplished.

Ashley Reese: Honestly, the larry-david-smile.gif convinced me. TBH, I would only fuck that gif.

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Joan Summers: His smile is nice and he seems funny and at best, I would have a genuinely laughable anecdote for my eventual memoir.

Maria Sherman: This is the Seth Rogen shit all over again. My answer is no. Because no. Not funny not hot next.

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Joan Summers: Wow Maria I am extremely gullible. You almost convinced me to change my mind.

Maria Sherman: I would rather pass away than fuck a comedian.

Emily Alford: Young Bernie is obviously a would and probably any age. Larry David I would tell myself that it wasn’t going to happen but then he would be funny and we’d eat soup while complaining about other soups that had disappointed us and I’d be like okay fine and then we’d probably be together for a decade.

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Lisa Fischer: Yes I absolutely would Larry David. I feel it’s my duty as a Jewish woman.

Emily Alford: Disclaimer: I was basically married to Larry David for a decade, hairline and all.

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Jennifer Perry: Oh no Larry David.

Rich Juzwiak: JEN. This is insane.

Jennifer Perry: I have standards!!

Rich Juzwiak: Of all the people who I thought would support me.

Lisa Fischer: Jen I can’t hear you over Jeremy Irons.

Jennifer Perry: Jeremy Irons has swag. Larry doesn’t.

Ashley Reese: Hmm. I too am confused, Jen. But okay.

Pretty pretty pretty prettttttttttttttty good. So what say you?

Some Pig. Terrific. Radiant. Humble.

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DISCUSSION

GELLA - LLAP

No Thanks, who wants to sleep with grandpa???