Summer approaches. Memorial Day is nigh. The horny time beckons. Everything feels dire and it’s only Thursday, so let’s get into the latest debate that nearly tore the staff of Jezebel apart: Would you sleep with Seth Rogen?
Our best Would U’s cause controversy amongst the staff, but Rogen, whose latest movie landed him on the cover of GQ looking particularly... different, caused the kind of discourse I hope for on a daily basis: raucous, perverted, and ultimately rewarding. The source of this discussion is, of course, Rogen, but it’s also this tweet from Bossip, which alerted the staff to a newfound horniness (or in some cases, revulsion) for Fozzie the Pothead.
While I don’t know if calling Rogen a “slim husky snackwich” is entirely accurate, I will concede that this transition from jovial schlub to menswear GQ zaddy is as close to a Glow Up as anyone could hope for. Generally speaking, Seth Rogen is marginally attractive; he bears an unsettling resemblance to an ex-boyfriend, and so by dint of that resemblance, I am a Would because technically, I have already a rather poor facsimile. The rest of the Jezebel staff, however, was divided. This was not unanimous, as I’d expected it to be.
“Do people really think he’s that hot?” Senior Writer Rich Juzwiak posited. “He’s merely not an eyesore.” Culture Editor Clover Hope, who is the reason for this Would U, said, “You know, I would.” Stassa Edwards, Features Editor, weighed in reluctantly. “I maybe would,” she said—tentative, but fair. It’d be great if I could say the conversation remained pleasant from here. What started off as a simple discourse turned into a rollicking journey into the heart of our deepest desires.
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The Jezebel staff weighs in:
Rich Juzwiak: I had a different understanding of my coworkers before today.
Megan Reynolds: We’re all perverts, but not in a fun way.
Maria Sherman: I find him unbearable and also not hot.
Kelly Faircloth: Personally, I believe everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves.
Megan: The giggling during the would is not ideal though. he WOULD def giggle.
Clover Hope: He’s an amusing man. He’s jovial. I like it! I don’t think he’s “hot.” I just like his jovial vibe.
Stassa Edwards: I think I’m with Clover, but also am embarrassed by it. My standards are low. It’s not like we’re getting married! Just having a laugh.
Jennifer Perry: He is presentable, not hot.
Esther Wang: Presentable is enough for me!
Lisa Fischer: I have a big crush on him, and I’m not ashamed.
Esther: *Has sex, steals his tie-dyed pants.*
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: You know when you can kinda tell when a dude has a thickie... I never wanted to bone Seth Rogen, but I think I do now. He’d definitely sweat a lot but the trade off, you know.
Esther: I’m imagining like a very thick shitake.
Lisa: There would be so much weed avail. His laugh is cute.
Hazel Cills: Yeah I’m a would. He was cute in Freaks and Geeks and is cute now! Did he do anything warranting canceling lol.
Jennifer: How is everyone banging Seth. Who are we.
Julianne: He has that Bad Bunny energy in the thigh.
Maria: Seth Rogen is technically a “comedian,” and I have a strict no comedian policy. Also I hate his voice, laugh, face, and personality.
Joan Summers: Just imagine he’s bone deep inside you and wants to try his new comedy set out.
Rich: There are so many guys who are Seth’s type but better looking like UP AND DOWN the L line.
Frida Garza: The GQ photos make me say yes!
As evidenced, most of the staff proved to be receptive to the possibility of fucking Rogen; but both Senior Writer Maria Sherman and Midweek Madness correspondent Joan Summers provided two compelling viewpoints that deserve their dues. Our desire to fuck Rogen continues apace.