Screenshot: CBS/SFBay Area

If you’re looking for signs that the promised dystopian future is quickly becoming the dystopian now, one iceberg-sized clue is that the sex partners of tomorrow will be lifelike sex robots, designed to spice up your withering marriage or simply just to help you get off. And while there are pressing issues surrounding robots and things like their reinforcement of gender stereotypes, the sex robot revolution is coming at us faster than a Kanye Trump tweet, so we figured we had better be prepared.

Unfortunately, what started off as a simple question begat a flood of increasingly tougher questions, as the Jezebel staff wrestled with the moral, ethical, and for some of us, tactical dilemmas that putting human flesh upon fleshy rubber part can invoke. Internally, we roiled.

Charles Pulliam-Moore: Yep.

Joanna Rothkopf: Who wouldn’t?

Katie McDonough: Does the robot have a good personality?

Hazel Cills: Also, please add that vibrators are robots and people are already fucking them.

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Megan Reynolds: Does the robot dick feel like human dick? Or is it, per Hazel, vibrator-esque? What’s the quality and texture of the dick, is my question.

Katie: Would the robot meet your parents and ask for your hand before u fucked? Is the robot self-cleaning? Does the robot clean its bathroom before you come over?

Kelly Stout: Does the robot have a human sense of humor? A soul? What is my romantic history with the robot? Does the robot really “get me”?

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Hazel: We’re all too fucked up to fuck the robot.

Stassa Edwards: My answer is no because I read Alissa Nutting’s last novel and I know that sex and tech are not a good mix.

Rich Juzwiak: Can robots consent?

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: Okay, I would say that the robot looks and feels like a human but does not exhibit any other human characteristics. It is invented to fuck you, and that is all.

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Hazel: I say NON! Because you know deep down... the robot is growing in its capabilities. It will kill you. It will come to resent this.

Katie: I think I don’t want to fuck something that is like programmed to fuck me. I am not a sexual fatalist.

Megan: I say, Why not? Pre-program it to fuck you the way you want to be fucked.

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Kelly: My sex partners are “programmed” to be with me.

Joanna: Programmed by society? Aren’t we all.

Julianne: Its only want or need is to fuck you. It’s not like a Westworld bot.

Joanna: If it wants it, sure. But it can’t want it too much. Turn-off.


Look, we’re clearly gonna have to get serious about this sooner than later, so let me prepare you for the future by asking: Would U fuck a sex robot, if its parts were warmed up and you were ensured in advance that it would not malfunction while penetrating you with its various humanoid digits?

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Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you do it with the fish man? 30% answered “Yes, of course I would”; 5% said “Yes, and I would spawn his offspring just to see”; 23% said “Yes, but only if he fixed all my inner and outer flaws with magic”; 3% said “Yes, but only if the local dating scene was really lacking”; 11% said “Yes, but only in his natural context of water”; 3% (really???) said “No, I don’t want an STI”; and 19% said “No, I prefer humans.”