HuffPost senior reporter Ashley Feinberg has published a recent playlist Ivanka Trump made on Spotify, which is comprised of five sad songs that hint strongly of bedroom death, premature ejaculation, and half-hearted dry humping. These include John Legend’s “All of Me” and “Ordinary People,” “When I Was Your Man” by Bruno Mars, “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt, and Adele’s “When We Were Young.” It is the kind of playlist created by a horny teenager who desperately wants to fall in love and bang (in that order) but has never once seen human genitals and probably won’t for a very, very long time.
In the headline, Feinberg wonders, “Is this Jared and Ivanka’s 21-minute sex playlist?”Assuming, for a second, that Ivanka and Jared do still have sex with each other, how in god’s name could they fuck to this? Could—would—anyone have sex to this? I asked the Jezebel staff that very question—Would U bang to this playlist?
As it turns out, there are many things we would do: some of us would fuck the Mooch, or Donald Trump if he looked like Jason Momoa, and even do it in the house where Trump was likely conceived. But not a single one of us would bang to this playlist.
Ellie Shechet: i could never bone to james blunt
Aimee Lutkin: I fuck at a higher beat per minute, honestly
Joanna Rothkopf: i would never
Also because it takes me significantly longer than 21 mins to climax
a joke.....
Hazel Cills: Never, unless the playlist was part of some sort of psycho-sexual torture game for my partner, because I don’t want to kink-shame
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I’m pretty sure that even Ivanka and Jared don’t fuck to their fuck playlist
Clover Hope: Why the hell do they have “All of Me”
Joanna: this is a playlist to have sex while you’re crying
like tender tear soaked sex
w no thrusts
Megan Reynolds: The worst
Aimee: Break up sex
Joanna: just soakin
Megan: ew it just sits in there
both party’s face are wet with each other’s tears
Aimee: I imagine them rolling around in satin sheets but no one makes the move to take off their underwear
they just keep throwing rose petals at each other hoping someone falls asleep
Julianne: i bet not even drake would bone to this, and drake is a person who has a supreme rug at the side of his bed
Megan: I think no one fucks to this playlist, but it is the kind of playlist someone going to prom maybe like 4 years ago would put on bc they THOUGHT they were gonna fuck to it but in actuality, they gave a handjob in a minivan and went home
Ellie: ya this is a playlist for someone who has had sex twice and feels nervous about it
Kelly Stout: I keep going back and forth on whether “your body is a wonderland” should be on this. I’m thinking no
this is a playlist for going soft in the middle i fear
Megan: ew kelly
it is
a playlist for a deflated boner
Rich Juzwiak: well my answer is I bone to beats
and these songs don’t have beats
so that’s insane
they must fuck so slow.or fast?
I don’t know
Clover: fast to “All to Me”
Aimee: Like a hummmingbird just vibrating
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you fuck in the house Trump was conceived in? 16% answered: “If my sex partner was decently hot”; 52.5% said “Under no circumstances”; 18% said “If we could hide the Trump cut-out”; and 13.5% said “Hell yeah, it’s a story!”