- Barack Obama would like to sell you a new, fuel-efficient car with an underpriced voucher to save the auto industry. He’d prefer you buy American but probably can’t make you. [Washington Post]
- He’s also up in your federal lands, protecting your wilderness. The President doesn’t speak LOLcat, though. [Washington Post]
- Which is likely why most people don’t blame him for the shitty economy (yet). [Washington Post]
- He tried out his salesman skills on the Sudan by asking them to let aid workers back into Darfur. The Sudanese would prefer their citizens just die already, though. [NY Times]
- He is going to lift the travel ban on Cuba, New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez be damned, because sanctions still haven’t worked in lo these 47 years. [Washington Post]
- Republican Congressman Paul Ryan admitted that the GOP’s
alternative budgettax cut plan would increase the deficit. At the sight of a Republican admitting that tax cuts would increase the deficit, the minions of hell started a snowball fight, lions lay down with lambs and monkeys flew out of my butt. [ThinkProgress] - My butt monkeys set off for Utah, where on July 1st you’ll be able to drink alcohol without a cover charge and a legal form. My butt monkeys like drinking, too, what can I say? [BBC]
- The minions of hell then proceeded to New York to help their boss’s friend, Rush Limbaugh, pack up his apartment which he is totally, totally leaving because of the tax increases. [Huffington Post]
- After that, they’re going to have to return to their jobs in college admissions offices, since their temps just openly admitted that even “need blind” colleges are only letting in rich kids because of the recession. Sorry suckers, hope you like public school since the only kids going Ivy this year are the ones whose parents can cough up tuition. [NY Times]
- Jim Webb is going to reform our entire criminal justice system single-handedly. There’s no word if carrying your boss’s gun to work will stay illegal. [Huffington Post]
- The Supreme Court decided that spam emails are Constitutional, proving that none of them had email accounts in the late nineties. [ZDNet]
- Obama’s Navy Secretary nominee, Ray Mabus, will likely be confirmed despite his ugly divorce in which he taped a counseling session with his wife in which she threw her affair in his face and threatened to make their kids hate him. She now calls them “his children” since, apparently, they don’t hate him. [Washington Post, NY Times]
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