Meet Diane Thomas, a 52-year-old woman who beat up and scratched her boyfriend and then did everything in her power to keep from being arrested when the police arrived. And by everything, she meant everything, including a recently-popularized sex act that is usually not offered on a first date (or during an arrest).

The Smoking Gun reports that Thomas, who lives in Louisiana, told the officer arresting her for beating up her “bitch” of a boyfriend (this woman is awful) that she couldn’t go to jail because she “had a good job” and that she physically assaulted her live-in partner because “he got in her face so she had to beat his ass.” When the arresting officer couldn’t be swayed by these valid and important reasons, Thomas decided she needed to negotiate a little harder.

At that point, Thomas allegedly made Ballard an offer he would refuse.

“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly declared. “Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”

Can’t believe he didn’t accept that charming offer, especially considering the way that it was presented. You can’t just go to the butthole, lady! You have to start slow and work up to it.

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Thomas, who is facing a domestic violence charge, has been hit with a public bribery charge as well. She’s been freed on $5,000 bond. Let’s hope that her boyfriend took the time she was in jail to get help and get out.

Image via Monroe Police Department


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.

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