Why, Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow Should Definitely Open Her Own Restaurant

Gwyneth Paltrow is planning on opening up her own restaurant. Or at least that’s what people are reporting even though it sounds like she just responded to someone’s question of what kind of restaurant she would open if — hypothetically — that’s something that were to happen. “I would make a Californian pop-up restaurant in London with all the healthy salads from [my cookbook] and tuna burgers, salmon burgers and tacos,” she said. What a monster.

I’m kidding, of course, but then again I’m a part of that small sub-population whose opinion on GP waivers between “she seems alright” and “she’s fine.” Of course, she’s a pretty crazy, über privileged white lady who can’t seem to grasp that not everyone was raised by Bruce Paltrow and Blythe Danner or spends their weekends dancing on stage at Jay-Z/Coldplay concerts, but she also seems pretty funny and like she can laugh at herself, which are two of the most important qualities when it comes to being Cool™. She also seems like she’s the type of friend who’d fly you to Spain on your birthday, so I doubt that hanging out with her is a bad gig.

Anyway, Gwyneth should totally open up her own pop-up restaurant because 1.) why not, rich people do sillier things all the time and 2.) her food doesn’t sound that bad. I would even go as far as to say that a lot of it sounds good and I bet it makes your poop super healthy.

Did you read Rebecca Harrington’s great piece on following Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet over at The Cut last week? You ought to. It’s hilarious, well-written and, surprisingly, it actually made me want to try some of Goop’s recipes even though this happened:

While making the meatballs, however, I can tell something is up. No. 1: They are green (they are made of arugula and turkey). No. 2: I can’t put them in tomato sauce because I have eliminated tomatoes from my diet. Instead, I am serving them with a broccoli soup that tastes mostly like water. What is going on? Yesterday was so amazing! When my guests arrive and I feed them the meatballs, I can tell that they hate them. One of them pulls out a huge bag of chips and starts eating them in front of me. Another one leaves to “actually eat dinner.” I am about to have a panic attack when I suddenly remember when Gwyneth went to a dinner party in America and someone asked her what kind of jeans she was wearing and she thought to herself, “I have to get back to Europe.” America is the worst. I say nothing about anyone’s jeans, even though I was literally just going to ask everyone about their jeans.

But there are recipes that turned out great!

For dinner, I decide to redeem myself and hold a dinner party again, this time making tacos the main event. Who doesn’t like tacos? I also decide to make an eggless and dairyless cake. The tacos are a stunning success. Her recipe for homemade chipotle salsa is as good as what I would eat at the actual Chipotle. I am very proud of Gwyneth and I cannot hide it. When people compliment the tacos, I say things like, “It’s Gwyneth!” or “This cookbook is really great. I don’t know how she does it.” I don’t ask one person about their jeans.

The promise of her beer-battered tacos (the aforementioned tacos were battered in beer) and a couple of the other things that Harrington tried is almost enough to convince me to fly to London to eat at Gwyneth Paltrow’s hypothetical pop-up restaurant. Too bad that’s only something you can afford to do when you actually are Gwyneth Paltrow.