Why the Fuck Would You Watch This Is Us?

I’ve never watched This Is Us, and based on the way its cast and creative team (Mandy Moore, Milo Ventimiglia, and creator Dan Fogelman specifically) spend week after week telling its legion of masochistic fans that being a viewer may, in fact, lead to their untimely deaths, I don’t see why anyone has.

Why watch a television show that’s actively trying to harm you?

You think climate change is what’s making winter so unbearable?

SPOILER: You fucking can’t.

The last time something “sat with me for days” was when I had a slice of my last slice of Artichoke pizza.

“Good fucking luck avoiding these fucking knives!!!!” Milo screams while throwing hundreds of knives at your face.

My phone buzzes every time Mandy Moore issues a warning about This Is Us.

Has someone close to you ever died? If so, it won’t compare to this shit!

Fun Fact: The original title of This Is Us was Funerals and More!

You’ll never believe this death!

“Mandy Moore... will destroy people.”

“Exclusive!”

Mandy Moore is here to RUIN your guts and she will NOT apologize for it!!!!!

You think eight is enough????

EIGHT IS NOT ENOUGH.

I’m so proud of E! for getting another exclusive!

MILO WANTS TO KNOW IF THE LAMBS ARE STILL SCREAMING, CLARICE.

“OK, how’d you get the black eye,” the doctor asks. “Wait wait, let me guess. This Is Us?”

I also cry at work all day, but you don’t see me talking to People about it!

My best friend died after smashing through her television because she didn’t buckle up before watching the last four episodes of This Is Us.