'Why Not Take a Nap?': 11 Reasons I Will Not See 50 Shades, By a Mom

What happens when you invite your mom to see 50 Shades of Grey? (Well, first of all, don’t ever do that.) Here’s one way it might go down, from Jez reader Heather: “I invited my mom to go see ‘Fifty Shades’ for a project I’m working on, but she declined. Not only did she decline, she declined in listicle form.”

The glorious (and convincing) email follows.

————— Forwarded message —————

From: [Heather’s mom]
Date: Fri, Feb 13, 2015 at 1:07 PM
Subject: 11 Reasons I will not see 50 Shades of Grey
To: [Heather]

11 Reasons I will not see 50 Shades of Grey

I wouldn’t read the book so why should I see the movie

I think Grey should be spelled Gray….hey, its America after all

The last time I saw a movie with my daughter she video’d me and posted it on you tube. I looked a hundred. My friends saw it and said, yes, I looked a hundred

I am having a bad hair day. Actually a bad hair month.

I prefer Disney films and sweet, romantic comedies. How much further from a PG film can I go? Not far.

The movie did not get any Oscar nominations. I am a snob.

My daughter wants me to accompany her at a time when they do not offer a senior discount. Forget it. I do not pay full price.

I am certain I would wince and close my eyes during most of the movie. Why not just stay home and take a nap?

I cannot imagine eating popcorn and drinking soda and watching such stuff. Maybe, a serious cocktail, or two, or three.

The main character’s name is Christian. I am an Episcopalian. I do not want to go to a movie that will challenge my faith.

Its nine degrees outside. I am not going anywhere.

Love Mom

All hail Heather’s mom.

Image via Shutterstock