Why Is Everyone So Thirsty for Christopher Meloni?

Christopher Meloni is spread-eagle in a new Interview photoshoot. Currently, I can barely type, not with all the sweat dripping off my body and onto this keyboard. This man stirs something in me… in us all. Why are we so thirsty for it?

The answer is actually quite simple. He radiates the sort of energy one might imagine their best friend’s dad would have in a movie where the two fell in love, in a universe or society where that wasn’t patently creepy. He’s both unkempt and tailored, a sort of disheveled gym rat, if you will. The kind of man Gwen Stefani meant when she sang: “Don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying, so please stop explaining.” Also, most obviously, he is an actor on arguably the most watched television show in American history, whose character still spurs thousands of pages of fanfiction, hours of fan videos, and countless—and I literally mean countless—tweets from new and old viewers alike.

As Jezebel writer Tracy Clark-Flory once explained: “He’s this tortured former Marine with explosive anger issues. A wounded tough guy fighting the good fight.”

Anyway, when I said that Christopher Meloni was spread-eagle in his Interview photoshoot, I meant it. He’s cracked those legs wide open for the camera, among other things, which include: eating pizza and lifting weights, drinking beer, flexing, doing yoga, showing off his happy trail in a teeny tiny little crop top, and gazing broodingly into the polaroid camera of photographer Clifton Mooney. Whew! I’m glad I can’t include the photos here. I don’t think my heart could take it.

So listen, the man obviously used his words also, as it was an interview. It’s dangerous to ask him what goes on inside that brain, though, unless one gets an answer like this: “I don’t want to get too heavy, but my relationship with cops is great, and there’s no higher compliment than when a cop comes up to me and gives me props.” Shhhhhhhhh, Meloni. Let me gingerly place this finger over your lips.

On “shipping” Law and Order characters Elliot and Olivia:

“Meaning that if you’re an Elliot and Olivia shipper, you’re thirsting to see their relationship be consummated? That’s like asking me to try to stop the northbound train by lying down on the track. That’s a third-rail question.”

On being a quarterback in high school:

“It was awesome being one. You’re basically number one on the call sheet. The younger kids were in awe of you, but I’m not designed to buy into the hype. I just wanted to win, which we did. The fact that we were undefeated was the true goal.”

On Cameo:

“I can’t do it for monetary gain. Maybe I should see a shrink about that. But I am trying to convince myself to do it for a charity. I don’t know if that’s my Catholic guilt, but I’m caught between procrastination and doing it for charity. Maybe once the season shuts down and I have a bit more time, I’ll be more amenable to it.”

He also said the microwave is the “most important” tool in his house, which I will take at face value, and investigate no further. I don’t know how much more clear I can make this! I don’t want to listen to him speak, I just want to look at him.