Illustration for article titled i/iChris Melonis Thirst Trap Hinges Entirely On This Kilt
Screenshot: Twitter

Imagine with me, for a moment, that your husband is Christopher Meloni. You’re on vacation with him, and you both sleep in after a long night spent “being on vacation” together. You wake up first, with the sheets in a tangle, and roll over to stare at him. He slowly opens his eyes, and asks if you’d like breakfast. Of course you would! He crawls out of bed, and you roll back over to grab your phone from the hotel nightstand. Eventually, he returns, dressed and carrying breakfast. Your mouth drops. Instead of pants, or even underwear, Christopher Meloni is in a kilt. What do you do next?

Yesterday, Meloni shared his “quarantine outfit” with inquiring fans, which consisted of thick socks, a quilt, a shirt once worn by re-enactment actors on a theme park pirate ship ride, and some Halston-inspired sunglasses. Put simply, it was nothing short of divine.

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Many were quick to thirst after his exposed abs, muscular arms, or bulging neck. (Just check his mentions, if you dare!) Others wondered why Mr. Meloni was wearing a kilt at all. But me? Well, none of that really mattered, as I saw it. I was more preoccupied with visions of what one could do, should their husband or boyfriend or sex buddy show up in a kilt. Think about all the butt stuff a kilt cracks wide for your sex life! Besides, abs are boring anyway.

Have you ever seen Christopher Meloni’s ass? It is an incredible ass, an ass after which all other asses should be modeled. While he did not turn around in his kilt, much to my dismay, I can only imagine how great his ass must have looked in that kilt.

Illustration for article titled i/iChris Melonis Thirst Trap Hinges Entirely On This Kilt
Screenshot: Law & Order: SVU (NBC)
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As for the rest of his outlet, I’m moved by his adventurous spirit and unique accessorizing. The shirt could use some tweaking—a richer, off-white linen would elevate it immensely—but the shoes, socks, and bonkers earrings are perfect. Maybe I’m blinded by the thought of the butt hiding in the kilt behind him! With my judgment clouded, I’m ignoring how dirty the socks are, or the drug store hair dye, or the 47 leather bracelets he’s definitely hiding behind those cuffs. I’m just thinking about the butt!

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