Why I Hate My Giant Dong

I’ve got a big penis. This is my tale of woe.

I lost my virginity to my high school girlfriend, Claire. She had amazing skin and wild blonde hair. She also had a friend, Anna, who had a problem with us dating and made it her mission to harass me. I don’t remember how sex felt that first time, whether I came, or how long it lasted. I do remember being made fun of for the size of my penis a few days later.

Only a teenage girl could turn that revelation into a source of shame and embarrassment. Anna sauntered up to my lunch table where I sat, witless and surrounded by friends. “So, Charlie,” Anna announced to the table, “Claire was just telling us you’ve got a big cock!”

Our culture is built on the notion that bigger is better, and (depending on who your analyst is) the male reproductive organ is the root of it all. There are very few negative stereotypes associated with a sizable schlong. A large cock confers unflappable confidence in life. Sexual prowess is no problem for the well-endowed man; just a glimpse of his tumescence will send women everywhere into orgasmic fits.

Of course, the reality’s very different.

***

The most immediate problems are anatomical. On a personal level, the circumference of my head while erect slightly exceeds the comfortable limits of my foreskin. That’s most inconvenient when masturbating, as the skin gets pulled up and down on the head to varying degrees. During colder months, when my skin is dryer, I’ve masturbated my way to tiny lacerations around the edge of my foreskin.

During sexytime, I need to be on guard. A misdirected thrust can end congress for the night. Even just easing my entire penis into a vagina has caused the not-sexy kind of pain. I’ve also been told, without any preamble, that anal sex would never be on the menu. It wasn’t a huge blow. But to my hung brothers with posterior proclivities, I sympathize.

Then there are the accessories. If compression shorts cost as little as cotton briefs, I’d be wrapping up tight every day. Bouncy bouncy, fellas! Speaking of wraps, condoms pinch like Houdini’s handcuffs. Sure, normal-sized guys also complain about them, but I’m guessing that putting them on and taking them off isn’t supposed to actually hurt like it does. I also suspect that the pain and constriction contributes to my tendency to … overstay my welcome at times.