Why Get Labiaplasty When There's the Vagina Panty? [NSFW]

The news that there’s been an even more fucked up “development” in female genital mutilation aka “vaginal rejuvenation!” is so disheartening. Holy fuck, ladies! — can we please get our shit together, vaginal pride-wise?

This time, the supposed “trend” (developed by…who? way-crazy insecure chick? dickish, greedy doctor? asshole boyfriend?*) is slicing—yes, slicing, sliiiiiiiiicing—the labia minora clean off. It’s called “the Barbie” which is retarded in about eight different ways. One of which being that a true Barbie would have a nice skin graft just sealing up the whole business. I call dibs on the patent!

Anyway, surgery is expensive and involves the aforementioned slicing, plus it’s just so…permanent. And does anybody really believe that these vaginal “styles” will last more than, say, five years? I mean, if there had been a surgical way to get a permanent mullet installed in 1987, I’m sure some among us (well not us, because we are smart, but “us” as in us as a people) would have been lining up for perma-mullet surgery. Lining up, I say!

This crap has got to stop.

While looking up the link for Naomi Wolf’s excellent book Vagina: A New Biography

(and yes, don’t you worry, little one, I will make good on my threat to present to you my new and improved Vaginal Worldview.) I saw this, and I knew it was The Answer.

This, my friend, is the Wearable Vagina, Vagina Panty. It’s for crossdressing, transfolk and the like, but I’m seeing the bigger picture here. It’s panties with a vagina built right in! Even better, it’s a currently socially acceptable vagina! Styles change—get you some new panties. Done and done! Sure, the underwear is $130.00, but c’mon, it’s Vaginal Surgery Results—In A Panty!

I don’t know what the hell it’s made of or how it feels during sex, but we’ve established that all of that is irrelevant. I’m sure hacking off important chunks lady bits affects one’s sensations as well. Get over it, sister.

The panties come in black, but check out this beige number below. It’s a g-string (sexy!) but also a bit orthopedic-looking (grandma fetish!) for a confusing mix of sexy, functional and forbidden. Sex is sometimes about keeping your partner off-balance and I think these would do the trick nicely.

If you’re budget minded, there’s also a strap-on g-string version, the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature for $99. I am intrigued by the mysterious “urinary feature,” however, the Amazon “frequently bought together” recommends something called It Stays Roll-on Body Adhesive

(ouch) which costs about 10 bucks so, pricewise, it might be a wash.

xoxox
jill

P.S. I am suspicious of this notice (below) on the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature. Anyone have a theory on the quote marks? They seem a little cheeky to me.

Under no circumstance can any of these items be returned or exchanged because of health considerations and laws! However, “with our permission”, an “unused” garment may be returned for an exchange, if it is in its original packaging (for size or defects only).

*Update: It was choice #2 “dickish, greedy doctor.” Via Twitter @wqbelle sent me this fabulous article in the Atlantic which points to one Dr. Red Alinsod as the guy who invented the process of amputating women’s labia and had the balls (for now! perhaps those too shall soon be deemed cosmetically unsightly) to give it the perky “Barbie” name. He now travels about the country speaking to OB/GYN groups about the mountains of profit to be made but snipping off healthy and useful body parts.

This post originally appeared on In Bed With Married Women. Republished with permission.

Before she got all smutty and started writing In Bed With Married Women, Jill Hamilton wrote for DAME Magazine, Rolling Stone, The Los Angeles Times, Mad and Games magazine and heaps of other magazines, newspapers and an embarrassingly high number of boring reference books.