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Why Did Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney Get Married?

Images via Bravo
Images via Bravo

Monday night’s Vanderpump Rules was deceptive. At the time, it didn’t seem like anything particularly interesting was happened, but upon a closer look there truly was a mine of very cloudy diamonds to be found.


We could discuss Jax sitting in church looking like he expected to burst into flames any minute. There was also Tom Sandavol trying to revive his modeling career by agreeing to a photo shoot with Joe Simpson—one where a case of Coors Light was somehow necessary. We listened to the guys meticulously plot their plans to dress in drag during the bachelor party while Kristin’s boyfriend Carter wondered how he got here.

Illustration for article titled Why Did Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney Get Married?em/em

Even with all that, we have to move on.

We’ll start with James because it’s good to just get him out of the way. James and his girlfriend go on a date where she moans about needing a glass of chardonnay which is too bad because she’s 19.

They recap the events of the previous night when two women who James definitely cheated on his girlfriend with approached him after his deeply embarrassing rap performance. (Trump is out here trying to deport and keep out Muslims while the actual scourges of our nation run free.)

His girlfriend rightfully questions how the two women have his clothing and pictures in bed with him. James explains this away with a lie that is almost impressive in its inanity. This poor girl is so simple and if I cared more I might feel bad watching James lie about how he’s not going to cheat on her while she’s in Sonoma.

Katie and Tom are still bulldozing ahead with this wedding, counting anonymous RSVPs from their $18 invites because Katie forgot to include a line for guests to write down their names. Kirstin swings by and the three discuss Katie’s continued, inexplicable anger with Scheana and how Ariana was mean to Stassi.


Obviously this will all come to a head during a lovely afternoon of fully clothed massages and hand peels that Pandora (daughter of Lisa) has planned in Katie’s honor. She hosts the ladies at the fully furnished home Lisa bought her as a 30th birthday present because that is how the cycle of wealth works.

The group wanders around the house in awe, cursing their non-multimillionaire parents. As they drool, Katie gushes about how she “can’t wait to grow up” and seems to be missing the fact that the key here is not growing up, but having an extremely rich mother who is completely unconcerned with spoiling her children.


During the hand glycolic peels, Scheana tries to get Stassi and Ariana to make up following their tiff at the bridal shower and that day party and the painting class....

I can appreciate Ariana being fed up with all the bullshit in front of her. However, Ariana’s problem is she thinks she better than everyone else despite the fact that she’s dating a man with a bob, is also a bartender at SUR and is on the same trashy show as everyone else.


Ariana cannot both be on the show and act like she’s above all this stupid drama. Similarly, Stassi cannot be both bitchy and sensitive. Stassi played the reconciliation pretty well though, pointing out that Ariana is the one who has a problem with her. As a result, Ariana has to bite the bullet, lest she look like a sourpuss bully, and agrees to have an “open mind” about Stassi which means absolutely nothing. The two agree to be “fine” and that’s that. I hope one day they realize they’re more alike than they realize. Both dye their hair nicely, are slightly smarter than the rest of the cast and are clearly irritated that they still have to be on this show.

At the same garden party, Katie and Scheana have some sort of blow up that I really tried to care about, I did. Either way, they both cried and made up. All for the best since the relationship Katie actually needs to focus on is the one with the fiancé she doesn’t seem to like.


Katie and Tom’s issues go beyond the fact that neither of them ever listens to a word the other is saying. It seems like they really hate each other.

Katie is complaining about how Scheana and Ariana cast a shadow on another wedding-related event that’s supposed to be all about her. This is stupid, to be sure, but instead of just letting her vent, Tom immediately jumps down her throat with a bunch of dumb, unnecessary opinions about a dumb, unnecessary situation. Naturally, this irritates Katie who calls him a “fucking asshole. ”


As she gets back at him for thinking out loud, Katie claims she’s been her “one and only support system” for the past six years which is DARK if true. Tom quips back and asks if she’s drunk because that’s how a loving partner responds.

Katie sort of makes a good a point about how irritating it is that she didn’t ask Ariana to be a bridesmaid and then her fiancé turns around and makes her a groomsman. It’s almost like Tom doesn’t consider Katie’s feelings when he makes decisions. Instead of trying to calmly explain why she’s hurt, Katie storms out, calls an Uber and probably goes home to gather place setting ideas from her wedding Pinterest board because reminder, these two still legit got married.


The title of this post is, of course, a rhetorical question.

Tom and Katie got married because Tom is a wuss and would rather marry someone who publicly berates him than risk causing a rift in his friend group. Katie has been duped by society into believing that a wedding is the pinnacle of her life’s happiness and will push forward no matter the red flags. Above all else, what we seem to be watching is the rationalization that for many, loneliness is more frightening than a dysfunctional relationship.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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Kara Brown

Also I hope no one missed this gem.