Who Will Pay the Fab Five for Pride-Themed SponCon?
Latest
Page Six reports that Netflix’s flagship brand, Queer Eye, will be hosting its own NYC Pride float. Bobby Berk revealed this fact at a sponsored event for his “limited edition designed wine bottle with Ecco Domani,” where he discussed the Netflix-branded float:
“We come in that morning and I think we’re out by that evening. We can’t complain, it’s great to be busy, especially with Netflix. They’re such a great partner that lets you have creative freedom.”
This might be the only instance where I’m glad he’s open about the corporate partnership that propelled the Fab Five into superstardom. And while I’m sad that their inclusion in World Pride (which commemorates the 50th Anniversary of Stonewall) is essentially advertising, it opens up a “conversation” about the many, many advertisers that have flocked to their Instagram feeds since Netflix rebooted Queer Eye. (Thank god they’re the most visible gay men in American Media!)
A quick scroll through the social media feeds will introduce you to a motley cast of characters in the Fab Five Extended Universe. Toilet paper, soft cheeses, grocery store chains, luxury door knobs. But for Pride, we only want the best to be plastered across the billboards and buses of New York City as we march in remembrance of those who’ve died fighting for the rights of our community. That’s why I’ve gathered the most eligible candidates below.
Let’s dive in!
Excedrin Extra Strength Acetaminophen:
Any pride attendee can attest to the noise made by 10,000 chanting Facebook employees as they march on the parade’s frontlines. Thankfully, Big Pharma has rolled out exclusive “Millennial Themed” Aspirin capsules “for life’s biggest headaches.” As they’ve yet to release a Pride-themed collection, may I suggest limited-edition Excedrin in “Pink Washing”?
Silk Almond Milk:
Like Antoni says: “Small steps can make a difference!” Compared to the distance traveled in a corporate-sponsored smoothie recipe, I wonder how we’d quantify the extremely large strides LGBTQ+ rights have taken backwards in the last four years of this administration? Consider the implications of a Silk-branded Pride sponsorship! It’d make for poignant reflection of the long journey ahead of us!
Schlage Locks Encode Smart WiFi Deadbolt:
You could say that… doors have been shut… in this country. It’s symbolic! The best kind of Pride-adjacent advertisements rely on the rich tapestry of symbols, memes, and metaphors available to us as modern Americans. If I were Bobby, I’d have already emailed the door knob company an inquiry!
David Yurman Bridal
It would make perfect sense for Tan, who recently became engaged, to contact David Yurman about a limited edition Pride collection. Consider how hard we fought to be given such a basic “right” as marriage!
Boursin Cheese
I’m unafraid to claim that nothing brings girls and gays together like herb-laced soft cheese on a hot summer day! If Antoni needs ideas for what a Pride activation for Boursin cheese could be, I’ve got him covered. “Melt it over the sweltering sidewalk while you wait for the Queer Eye float as an easy and fast dip recipe!”
Charmin Toilet Paper:
Traveling without your Charmin Toilet Paper Mega Pack is hard enough. But what else is unpleasant? Bigotry! If Jonathan Van Ness and Bobby Burke need my help in crafting the perfect Pride ad copy for a limited edition toilet paper roll, I’ve already written some: “For Pride Week only, we’ve partnered with Charmin to help wipe away homophobia! Tweet #enjoythego and receive your free 2-ply pack at a participating CVS.” Charmin, the ball’s in your court! You could absolutely “wipe away” the competition with this one!
Olly Nutrition Goodbye Stress gummies:
Many researchers have posited that the lifelong effects of bigotry and violence contribute to the prevalence of depression, anxiety, and suicide in our communities. Thankfully, Antoni has partnered with a company battling modern stresses in completely effective and scientifically accurate ways! If Olly was interested in a Pride-themed activation, they could consider dying their capsules in various colors. Or putting a rainbow on the side of canister to symbolize equal rights!
Gillette Razors:
I’m nervous to suggest razor advertising in service of gay rights. But, if I accidentally unleash a “trans-centric” marketing campaign by Big Razors across Pride Week, I want you to know I did it for the blog.
Facebook Portal:
This last one carries the most significance to me, personally. Anyone can tell you that the American trans experience, especially for those raised by the internet, is having a disparate group of sisters scattered across the country who you speak to more than your own family. (At least for me!) A potential Portal sponsorship during Pride could help “connect” the ties between queer people severed by the violence inflicted by homelessness, bigotry, and familial disconnection. Email me, Antoni! Let’s talk.
In the ongoing struggle, it feels good to know that corporations have stepped up to fund the exploits of the rich, gay, and famous. Anyone else might claim it’s aspirational. Me? I see it an airtight case for class warfare fueled by the corporate takeover of our activist spaces. There’s an option for everyone!