Wednesday night kicks off the second season of the best show on television, The Masked Singer. Last season, I was able to accurately predict a handful of the masked contestants, but I did not blog it, so unfortunately, you’ll have to take my word for it.
Ahead of Season 2, I would like to correct that mistake and present you with an extremely serious, guaranteed to be accurate list of predictions for the new set of contestants, based solely on watching each of their clue videos. I look forward to every one of these predictions coming true, so that Fox can invite me to replace Jenny McCarthy on the judges panel for Season 3. Here we go.
Leopard
The leopard claims to have been “spotted with the president.” This is clearly Sean Spicer. The video also mentions that the costume was carefully constructed to hide the contestant’s silhouette, which is an obvious attempt to keep us from recognizing his body from a very sad appearance on Dancing With the Stars.
Rottweiler
This is obviously Dog the Bounty Hunter. Next.
Skeleton
I don’t even need to watch the video to know that this is the oldest man on earth, Larry King.
Panda
The rainbow outfit and nauseating positivity are the clear giveaways here. Jojo Siwa.
Thingamajig
The height of this costume and the basketball court imagery in the video would probably lead an inexperienced Masked Singer viewer to guess that this is an NBA player, but the hair screams Guy Fieri. “Unlike anything you’ve ever seen or heard before”? Sounds like Fieri to me!
Tree
My best guess here is Amy Sedaris. This costume looks like it fits perfectly in her aggressively kitschy apartment.
Egg
This egghead is Queer Eye’s food “expert” Antoni Porowski.
Penguin
Ice, ice baby. Get it? The penguin is Vanilla Ice.
Ice Cream
This extra-sweet costume makes me think this is someone trying to stage a comeback and rehabilitate their not-so-sweet reputation. Shane Gillis, what are you doing here?!
Fox
This is none other than attempted rock star Jeremy Renner. He needed something else to do now that his app is dead, so why not The Masked Singer?
Butterfly
The butterfly keeps talking about her giant bug eyes, which makes me think this is Grimes bragging again about her “experimental” eye surgery.
Black Widow
Rita Ora is a perfect contestant for The Masked Singer, since every time anyone hears her name, they think, Who? She should have thought harder before picking the most obvious costume, though.
Eagle
The eagle definitely voted for Trump. I say it’s Kid Rock.
Flamingo
This flamingo in a Juicy sweatsuit from 2004 is The Masked Singer Australia judge Lindsay Lohan. She just can’t get enough!
Flower
Scarlett Johansson. She can play anything!