Who Is Growing Hallucinogenic Mushrooms at Buckingham Palace?

In excellent news, People magazine reports that the mushroom species Amanita muscaria has been found hiding among the hundreds of other mushroom species that live in the 42-acre Buckingham Palace Gardens. These are psychedelic mushrooms, but not of the recreationally popular psilocybin variety; though amanita muscaria has historically been put to work in many cultures as a means of spiritual inducement, it causes generally depressive, dissociative and distorted sensations if used recreationally. Which is to say that the mystery palace gardener gets into some real deep shit! Who could it be? Let’s guess.

SUSPECT #1, Prince Harry: The obvious frontrunner.

SUSPECTS #2 & 3, Princesses Beatrice & Eugenie: They always look like they’re high.

SUSPECT #4, Fergie: During the wild period, yeah?

SUSPECT #5, Whoever Has to Walk Queen Elizabeth’s Dorgis and Corgis: “THEY’RE ALL JUST SO AMAAAZINGGGG”

SUSPECT #6, Princess Anne: How better to recover from the shock of a kidnapping attempt than to embark upon a vision quest?

SUSPECT #7, Zara Phillips: “I’m just so tired of everyone expecting me to be so together all the time,” she whispers to an imaginary horse.

SUSPECT #8, Prince George of Cambridge: Here at Jezebel, you do not get a pass just for being a baby.

SUSPECT #9, The Clown in the Above Photo From Queen Elizabeth’s 80th Bday Party in 2006

SUSPECT #10, Any One of The 350 Temps Who Work at the Palace Each Summer

SUSPECT #11, The Astronomer Royal

SUSPECT #12, Pippa Middleton: She wants Kate to eat them on accident and then do something embarrassing, duh.

SUSPECT #13, Gaia, also known as Mother Earth: Also known as “Jia.”

There are also 1200 people minimum on staff at Buckingham Palace. It could be anybody! People adds, “Officials say mushrooms from the garden are not used in the palace kitchens.” Well, you know, maybe they should be.