Whip out your tiny violins for artist Sebastian Errazuriz, who this week at Art Basel debuted a collection of women's shoes inspired by 12 women who, at one time or another, gave him boners. Each boner shoe has its own accompanying story, like an American Girl doll except every story is ultimately about a whiny guy having a sex and then being like ugh, this loser who had sex with me! Real groundbreaking stuff.
For the uninitiated, Art Basel is an annual event in Miami Beach where the world's Insufferables gather to mingle and congratulate each other for being very, very rich and spend $PUBLIC UNIVERSITY TUITION on pieces of contemporary art that definitely proves to people who visit their houses that they bought art one time. Look! A giant hat! Look! Mad Morley Safer in a glass box!
Anyway, this year's show featured an offering by Errazuriz, who, with the help of several designers, his hurt feelings, and nude photos he snapped of his ex girlfriends, made "12 Shoes For 12 Lovers," which he revealed one by one on a Tumblr dedicated to the project over the last week or so. To his credit (or maybe I should give half credit to the people who actually put the shoes together), some of the designs are kind of lovely. But the project's website features nude images of women which Errazuriz admits didn't necessarily give him permission to use images of their bodies in the promotion of his artwork (the artist defends his choice to include the images by saying that no faces are shown). And— strikes two and three — the descriptions accompanying the shoes, which ostensibly were written by Errazuriz, are a hot mess. Maybe he should have hired a word designer to do the actual work for him.
Here's a sampling of the exhibit, which I'm calling "Exit Through The Payless."
i got into bed annoyed. We fucked hard and long. i wasn't even into it; i just wanted to prove myself in bed for everything i couldn't buy.
Cool humblebrag about your "hard and long," aggressively blasé fucking, Pretty Woman. PS Bitches love money!
she was a hardcore feminist but in bed she would pretend to be a little girl and volunteer giving me stripteases or want me to spank her. the next day if i would bring her flowers she could give me an hour long speech about how macho it was to buy flowers to a girl.
Attributing emotional instability to feminism is both stupid and boring — a dismayingly frequent combination. Would wear this shoe, though. Would wear jogging.
But it was we, the men, who were her bitches.
Why does every story this guy tells start with him getting his dick sucked and end with him sucking his own dick?
When SOPHIE walked down the runway i felt like a kid who had received the Lamborghini posted on his childhood bedroom. [...]
The first time we had sex she laid still on her back without moving. She didn't say a word.
Ever seen something so stupid that you can't stay mad at it? That's this project.
Sorry your beautiful, super hot, perfect model girlfriend didn't convincingly fake it with you, bro.
In the dark Alexandra continued to sob and text her ex for the rest of the night. i made an attempt at another round of hot "make up sex" but she obviously couldn't care less about me.
bla bla bla bla bla And then I had sex bla bla bla that person who let me have sex with them sucked bla bla bla
Also, why do the tear shoes look like semen?
"I'm sorry JESSICA I can't have sex with you" i blurted out feeling stupid.
First, replace JESSICA and the protagonist with two of the members of 1Direction and you've got yourself a top notch tween-composed Tumblr fanfic.
Second, all of these shoes were supposed to be about girlfriends, but all it sounds like Jessica and this dude did was eat dinner and then sleep next to each other. If chaste cosleeping next to a demanding nuisance means that someone is your girlfriend, then I guess I've been going out with my cat for the last 6 years. Don't tell my boyfriend.