Since we didn’t dry up and die like a popped lipoma after watching the first episode of TLC’s deliriously gross new series Dr. Pimple Popper, we’re back to chat about what the hell is going on in episode 2 and what it’s doing to our constitutions. Join us if you dare.
Megan: Ugh. The world’s largest lump. Fuckin’ kill me.
Rich: As usual, this is as extreme for Dr. Pimple Popper as it is for us. The biggest, the grossest, the pus-iest.
Megan: I have already gagged and that was just the credits.
Rich: Was it at, “Sometimes it smells like mold?”
Megan: It was when the person was squeezing shit outta their body.
Rich: This is really coming at me fast. A 49-year-old airline crew member named Ronen has a big lump above his left knee that he describes as looking like a piece of dough.
Megan: I actually can’t look at Ronen’s lump without feeling intensely uncomfortable, which is also how he feels I’m sure….
Rich: I can’t help but watch this and think it’s going to happen to me. No one had any idea they’d have a lump and then one day, they had a medium pizza’s worth of dough under their skin.
Rich: He wears shorts!
Megan: You have to let it breathe!! Is it rude of me to say that if it were me, I’d put googly eyes on it?
Rich: No, I think that’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about his lump. He keeps talking about his lump like it’s a dick. “Bigger than average.” “It’s a big monster.” Oh and now Dr. Pimple Popper says, “I have never seen anybody with a ball like this.” They’re trolling us.
Megan: They are trolling us. My eyes are watering now? “What’s in here? Is it liquid or is it solid.” IT’S A CYST. “CYST FRAGMENTS.”
Rich: The name of my forthcoming ambient album.
Megan: The Biggest Cyst I’ve Ever Seen: A Memoir.
Rich: Do you think when she said, “Get this cyst out of your system,” she thought of it as “cyst-em” in her head? Oh great, “That’s like oatmeal.”
Megan: I gagged. I almost threw up. Richard, I scared the cat.
Rich: It’s a bit early in our chat to include my roundup of food metaphors used to describe growths and/or their constituents, but I’m going to do it here so people can see the oatmeal flow.
Rich: This week’s metaphors also included: silver skin on tenderloin steak, spoiled cheese, and a pinto bean. :)
Megan: That was one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen.
Rich: “All this is is skin cells”...and demons!
We move on to Amber, a 37-year-old radio DJ from Ada, Oklahoma, with the chronic skin condition known as hidradenitis suppurativa.
Megan: Wow, this actually sucks.
Rich: She’s going to be okay.
Megan: Doctors are rude to women!!
Megan: Excuse me, Rhonda, her stepmother. Rhonda, bitch, you try living with this shit!
Rich: To be fair, it is graphic.
Megan: Aw I’m gonna be so happy when this woman no longer feels hideous and pus-y.
Rich: I know, this is where the real good of Dr. PP shines through.
Megan: Yes! Because she does actually listen to people, when other medical professionals are like, “You’re disgusting go away, stop eating Doritos,” which is so rude, classist, sexist, probably?? Sizeist!! I don’t know.
Rich: I don’t care if this is propaganda, I totally believe that Dr. PP is one of the best people in the world.
Megan: Dr. Pimple Popper cares and she loves her clients! I used to think she was exploitative. She is still probably exploitative, but TLC’s framing is making me think that she cares.
Rich: It’s like, “One for you, one for me,” at worst.
And now, we meet Sandy, who has a growth on her neck that she has named “Tommy the Tumor.”
Megan: You know after seeing Ronen’s softball size cyst, I am immune to everything else. Tommy the Tumor is only the size of a golf ball. Bring it the fuck on!!!!!!
Rich: “It’s like a little eyeball of fat.”
Megan: Dr. Pimple Popper is fingering it. I want to die.
Rich: “When I’m probing deeper in the neck area, I am trying to use non-sharp tools.” Same again.
Megan: Yas, fibrous lipoma!! It’s really fucked up that the doctor is just digging in there so close to her NERVES.
Rich: I am actually the closest I’ve ever been to feeling faint while watching this. I hate nerve stuff the most, I guess.
Rich: Wow, Dr. PP did not get the whole lipoma out. A rare miss.
Megan: But she at least was like, “She needs a diff doctor!!” Oh no, Kristy.
We meet Kristy, a 48-year-old Texan with a “pinto bean” shaped growth on her eyelid.
Megan: This is gonna kill me, I’m pretty sure.
Rich: Oh my god, I have a white dot on my eye.
Megan: Wait you do?!
Rich: Her eye smells. That’s...not usually how that works. I’m really feeling thin-blooded now. I have a really hard time with eye stuff.
Rich: Not just milia, THE BIGGEST MILIA. My favorite Elliott Smith song.
Megan: This poor woman.
Rich: I have milia. This is going to happen to me.
Megan: You do?!? By your eye?!?!??!
Rich: I’ve HAD THEM ON MY EYELID!!!
Megan: Omg, she’s free!!!!
Rich: It looks like Dr. PP is removing an eyeball from Kristy’s eyeball.
Megan: Everyone’s okay!! It’s over. I feel relief.
Rich: I didn’t pass out or throw up or die, today is going great.
Megan: I almost threw up and I think Icried off my mascara and I scared the cat twice.
Rich: I have to go eat breakfast but...I don’t want to.
Megan: Whew BREAKFAST. I ate before this. It was yogurt.
Rich: I’m going to have...oatmeal.