Jezebel staff hard at work this summer!
Image: Getty

Summertime is here because Memorial Day has passed and so if you live somewhere where it is warm and not cold, that means it is time to think about bathing suits—hell for most, but truly pleasurable for some masochists, I suppose?

Years spent being ashamed of my soft, wobbly middle meant cramming myself into high-waisted bikinis that made me feel like I was wearing Spanx and looked like I was wearing a diaper. What I have learned from years of having a body that likes to go to the beach is that there are truly only three things that matter to me and my particular body in a swimsuit:

  • Do my boobs stay in the thing when I emerge from the waves like a drowned rat, rubbing my eyes to make sure my contacts didn’t fall out?
  • Are my boobs secure absent the vise-grip of underwire?
  • Is some—but not all—of my butt showing?

My bathing suit drawer overflows with string bikinis and stretched-out one-piece bathing suits that I once loved but now desperately hate. As an avid beachgoer who enjoys immersing myself in the ocean to pee and also to swim, I desire a new swimsuit that covers enough of my bod to not offend children and that does not leave grooves in my neck flesh from the onerous task of supporting my titties via two tenuously-knotted strings. In a fugue state, I just ordered this in “bright cerise,” a color that I hope will enhance the mottled tan I have acquired from approximately two Saturdays in a row spent lying in a beach chair on the hot tar of my roof.

I will get another swimsuit next year, as I love capitalism and cannot resist its siren cry. I could also talk about swimsuits until the cows come home. Here’s how we, the staff of Jezebel, are handling “swimsuit season” this year. Tell us how you’re making this work for you!


Screenshot: Lazy Oaf

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I like a bright statement suit that doesn’t cost a third of my rent (who is out here buying $300 bikinis???), so I just copped this extremely cute Lazy Oaf joint, which reminds me of a not-so-serious Mara Hoffman (who also makes great suits, but they’re like three hundred fricking dollars). I unfortunately purchased it without realizing it had the straps down the back but no regrets, I’m looking forward to a weird tan this summer. —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd

Screenshot: J. Crew

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I love swimming, but shopping for bathing suits gives me night terrors, which is why this J Crew suit has been a godsend. She wouldn’t be far out of place in a Mormon modesty catalogue, but the deep v-neck and cheeky color keep me just slutty enough to stay game. This is my third summer with her, my platonic ideal of swimsuit—a time in which I’ve thrown out all of my piling, cheap-ass, stretched-out bikinis. If she ever breaks I’ll cry. —Alexis Sobel Fitts

A facsimile
Image: Aerie

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My swimsuit is a ‘50s style, high-waist, polka dot bikini from Aerie that’s very comfortable and retro. The backup is a tangerine-colored tube one-piece from ASOS. —Clover Hope

Screenshot: Full Beauty

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Here is my vision for the summer: spending literally every moment possible at some public watering hole with my kid. Hence, I needed a new swimsuit that said more “friendly mom” and less “anybody wanna see my areole?” as unfortunately many cute underwire styles tend to do. Luckily I managed to find this sporty thing on FullBeauty.com, which could do better things for my boobs but again, the goal was to tone down the VA-VA-VOOM factor. Now I just need some new sunglasses and I’ll be all set. —Kelly Faircloth

Image: Uniqlo

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I don’t really do bikinis and I want as much coverage as possible (I hate high-cut swimsuits with a passion) which is why I love this very minimalist Uniqlo swimsuit which I own in red and black. It has a crisscrossed tied back and that’s really all the flare I need. Unfortunately it’s out of stock, but this one also from Uniqlo is giving me similar vibes. —Hazel Cills

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I was lusting after this Mara Hoffman swimsuit for nearly a year before I finally nabbed it on sale for a fraction of its original cost. I love fun color blocking, so this is 100 percent up my alley. I have big boobs and a sizable butt, so the suit is admittedly a little prone to wardrobe malfunctions. But honestly, I’m too obsessed with it to let that dissuade me. Beachgoers are just going to have to deal with seeing my butt cheek every now an then, it’s worth it! —Ashley Reese