What's Wrong With John Mayer?

By Anna North | January 20, 2010 | 5:00pm

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Is John Mayer’s insane, just-released interview with Rolling Stone-on such topics as buttholes and “the Joshua Tree of vaginas”-evidence of deep unhappiness or simple idiocy? After the jump, five theories on the singer’s interior life…or lack thereof.

1. He is stupid.

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You know how sometimes a guy uses a lot of abstract nouns, and at first you think he’s deep and soulful, but when you actually think about what he said, you realize he’s kind of dumb? Observe:

I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f-ing fantastic, if I said to her, ŒI don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.

This New Years Eve Tweet may provide further evidence:

By not micro-trading in my emotional stock value every second of the day, I may just end up seeing the bigger, beautiful picture.

There’s also this:

No matter how many times I try to get it right, I still mess it up. It’s MICKEY Rooney that was in The Wrestler. Got it.

2. He is an alien.

I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon.

This would also explain paparazzi photos of Mayer opening cans of cat food with an enormous armored claw.

3. He has been driven insane by persecution, real or imagined.

I’ll be honest with you. All this weird s–t about me? All this strangeness? I wouldn’t have a music career without it. But I am at odds with myself. I have some presence of psychological damage from the past 36 months. I have not had a woman appear in my dreams sexually without a paparazzi in the dream too. I can’t even have a wet dream without having to explain to someone who’s grinding on me, ŒWe can’t do this right now, because there’s a guy over there taking pictures.

Alternately, Mayer could be pretending to have been driven insane by persecution, as prep work for his film debut in a yet-to-be-determined Philip K. Dick adaptation.

4. He is actually sleep-talking almost all the time.

The following quotations come either from Mayer or from the blog Sleep Talkin’ Man. Can you tell the difference? No cheating.

I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.

I don’t want to die! I love sex. And furry animals.

If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion.

I demand compensation in cola bottles. Lots of fizzy cola bottles. In one lump sum.

5. He is a performance artist.

Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?

John Mayer: Rolling Stone Shirtless [Just Jared]
Sleep Talkin’ Man [Official Site]
John Mayer’s Dirty Mind & Lonely Heart: New Issue Of Rolling Stone [Rolling Stone]
johncmayer [Twitter]