What Would It Look Like If Courtney Stodden Tweeted The News?

Teen bride Courtney Stodden shocked America when she sauntered into the news after marrying former Lost actor Doug Hutchison, and it’s been impossible for us to tear our eyes away from her since. Hutchison, at 51, is 35 years her senior, but their age difference is the least of what’s compelling about this pair. There are the interview histrionics: Courtney spends every interview alternately licking her lips and staring at Doug’s mouth, laughing at inappropriate moments, and generally acting totally tweaked out while Doug, in Sincerity Mode, insists that their love is real. There’s Courtney’s “80’s-porn-star-trying-to-make-a-comeback-in-the-90’s” sartorial choices, the reality show rumors. But the most compelling and important product of this holy union is, by far, Courtney’s completely bonkers Twitter account, which reads like a sexual mad lib written by a troubled fifth grader combined with a spambot combined with a Craigslist ad for erotic massage as composed by someone working from an outdated ESL dictionary. She mostly writes about being naked and licking things or touching herself, and it always seems implied that she’s on the brink of orgasm, unless she’s tweeting a scripture verse that demands the reader let the Lord direct all your paths. It’s simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking and confusing. One must laugh so one does not cry.

In reading Mrs. Hutchinson’s Twitter feed, the thought struck us that perhaps Courtney Stodden isn’t the secret 30 year old desperate bonfire of inanities that many seem convinced she is; maybe she’s a secret genius, and maybe she’s arrived on earth just in time to save it. Maybe we need her voice of erotic reason and lusty balance to present us the sexual news events in a way that stimulates our sweet, slippery brains. How would recent events in the news read with an added Courtney Stodden touch? Let’s find out! (Remember, these are not actual Stodden tweets, however real they may seem.)