Adele announced the dates for her upcoming North American tour on Monday, and I’m starting to get nervous about what 56 performances of songs like “Hello” and “Chasing Pavements” will do to her voice. Will the followup to 25 be an ambient album filled with the synthesized wails and moans of a musical artist having to mute herself on vocal rest yet again?
We’ve created a purely hypothetical, totally scientific chart to track the overall projected health of Adele’s voice over the course of her tour, which begins July 6 in St. Paul, Minnesota. Even when factoring in the average humidity of each city (the ideal level for singing is supposedly 60%) and a host of other randomly selected, admittedly unscientific numbers... it’s not looking great.
After her final performance November 15 in Mexico City, Adele will likely collapse—voiceless—unable to say, “Hello from the outsiiiiiiiiiide,” “Hello from the other siiiiiiiiiiiide,” or, “Hello could someone please bring me a cup of tea because I feel like my vocal cords are crumbling to dust insiiiiiiiiiiiide my throat!!!!”
Tickets go on sale this Thursday at 10:00AM.
Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.
Image via Getty.