Men and women, we all know, are just horny star-crossed lovers, hailing from sex planets that are far, far away. And a new study says men are from Planet Six In The Morning and women are from Planet I Guess I’ll Let You Stick It In Me Late at Night. Did you know this? Did they get your planet right?
Some 2,300 people out there with internet access answered a survey from sex toy company Lovehoney about when they experience the scientific state of needin’ it real bad called “peak horniness.” The news isn’t so hot:
…the two sexes simply operate in different time zones when it comes to sex.
First though, what do you think the horniest time of day is, anyway? The correct answer is: any time of day you are not trying to sleep in.
Anyway, the study claims that men are morning-wood style sex people, preferring to get it on at any moment from 6 to 9 a.m., while women are late-night munchies sex people, preferring sex from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. Want to drill that down even more? In results posted at The Telegraph, we learn that men wake up rarin’ to go at 7:54 a.m., while women are more interested in some 11:21 p.m. bang action.
Let’s just get this on the table: 7:54 a.m. is a bullshit sex time. Because 7:54 a.m. is a time best used for sleeping. I may not always be aware of when I want sex, but I’m certainly aware of when I don’t want it. Like, when my hands are wet? I just don’t want my hands to be wet when I’m having sex. Or when I’m asleep. When I’m eating barbecue. Day one of your period, holla. Anything gastrointestinal is like, no thanks. And then I guess you know, whenever I’m having a bunch of feelings. That pretty much sums up when we’re not open for business.
11:21 p.m., on the other hand, is certainly not the most perfect time that ever existed—it’s not sex time galore—but it’s a time when the day is done, you’re probably in or near a bed anyway, and the thing that best comes after the sex is the thing you were going to do anyway: sleep.
If, hypothetically, these times are our only two choices, no other argument is needed to verify the superiority of 11:21 p.m. as prime sex time. But if you need it: I fact-checked this assertion against a bodybuilding forum’s miscellaneous section in a post called “Most sloots are up till/horniest between 12am-2,” where “MyBaddBrah” wrote:
So if youre asleep before then, you greatly decrease your chances of getting laid. Talking about the weekdays brahs. Countless times I’ve spit text game during the day and been brushed off, only to discover they have a change of heart during the late hours, practically begging for the d. And I’ve been asleep missing out.
Would anyone disagree?
So that proves it. You know you beg for the D late-night, girl.
Further complicating matters is the fact that men and women—the men and women in this survey, in particular—just don’t want to budge. Additional study questions found that only 11 percent of women said they wanted sex first thing in the morning. And only 16 percent of men said they wanted it last thing at night. So never the taints, so to speak, shall meet.
How do we get a handle on this? What cruel universe would make it so that, all things being equal and both people wanting sex, men and women don’t want to get laid at the same time? How could it be set up so we have to jump through the insane demands of the day, get all of our good TV watching in, drink as much as we need to in order to cope with existing, interact lovingly with our families, and also read, on occasion, a book we’re not ashamed to leave lying around—and then still battle such wildly disparate wills in order to get it on?
Maybe… a really smart universe that wants it to be harder to procreate than we think it does?
Honestly, maybe this is a decent argument for getting sex done first-thing so you can just get on with your day, with a little extra pep. I’d like a reasonable time for this, though. A good morning sex period begins after 9:30 a.m., it seems. Who’s with me? (No one, because by 9:30 everyone’s at work.)
Here’s something very scientific. I asked some friends who were online at the moment of my writing this and as able to provide a quick response as to what their peak horniness is:
- I am fine any time I am not on my period. Literally do not care.
- Like it’s always “fine” with me too, unless I have diarrhea or something
Point of clarity: Being “fine” and “willing” to do it is not necessarily peak horniness. But rather, when are you most likely to initiate sex?
- Peak horniness is whatever time it is after I just took a shower (at night) because clean and naked.
- I guess night and first thing in the morning
- Literally whenever I’m drunk
I asked some dudes:
- I think lately I experience horniness most in the morning.
- I’ve noticed that I enjoy sex first thing in the morning these days. It’s as good as a cup of coffee to get the blood going and really gets your day off to a good start.
I asked if this was always so:
- I mean when I was younger I don’t think there was a peak horniness. It was I’m awake therefore I horn.
There you have it: Awake, Therefore I Horn: The Story of Men.
I asked another dude when his peak horniness is:
- If you’re on 150 mg of Zoloft? Never.
Sure thing. But of course, in the end, it’s not time of day that really matters as much as how often you want to have sex. Confirming what you’ve likely assumed to be true, the study found that people with similar sex drives tend to settle down together more easily:
Over half of all people polled (63pc of women and 54pc of men) said that they desired sex roughly the same amount as their current partner.
However, 44pc of women and 33pc of men reported having experienced issues in previous relationships due to mismatched sex drives.
People come with personal inclinations—time of day, type of sex, frequency—and meet in compromise, as I discovered when researching what the real magic amount of sex is for happy couples. It’s not magic! It really is about considering both people’s appetites and finding some workable place in the middle. Women don’t have to put a rooster by the bed at night so your man feels more comfortable. Men don’t have to yawn your way through night-time doin’ it. All you have to do is try to do it as much as you can whenever both of you is able. If there’s a magic component involved here at all, it’s probably just finding the time at all.
Illustration by Tara Jacoby.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.