What Should Tiger Say?

Tiger Woods is slated to give public statement today at 11 a.m., during a break from sex rehab. He’ll probably just give some rehash of his vague comments from December, but here’s what we wish he’d say:

Handpicked group of “friends, colleagues and close associates,” welcome! I’ve gathered you here today because although 56% of Americans think my dozens of affairs are private and I should just stop talking about them, 40% still want (another) public statement. So here it is: I’m sorry I got caught. It has cost me several lucrative endorsement deals, and I can no longer visit my favorite Vegas hotspots. And while obviously the real blame for this lies with me and my reckless sexual and textual habits, I’d like to give some credit where credit is due: to you.

Yes, American sports fans are the ones who deified me, who decided that since I could play golf, I was also qualified to sell razors, clothes, and even consulting services. You support a system that showers sports stars with money and adulation, that treats us as conquering heroes, and yet you’re surprised when we turn into entitled narcissists who think the rules don’t apply to us. After my scandal broke, you even quit watching golf, with golf fandom down 10% since December.

I’m supposed to tell you to start watching again, that I’m better now, that I’ll strive to earn back your trust because Americans deserve to believe in their athletes. But you and I both know that’s bullshit. Don’t watch golf: golf sucks. And if you were into it because you were into me, because you thought that a sports star who makes zillions of dollars and travels all the time could be a “squeaky clean” role model for your children, please, find something you actually like. And find someone you can look up to for actual personal qualities, not a golf swing — because even I know that shit is boring.

I won’t be taking questions, because although my handlers have decided it’s time for me to apologize, they still want me to control the conversation. So leave your outrage at the door, and go hug your kid or something. Have a good afternoon.

Tiger Woods Wife Elin Won’t Attend His Public Statement [New York Post]
Poll: Tiger Woods Censure Eases, But It’s A Bogey For Golf [ABC]
Woods Starts Comeback With A Speech [AP, via Yahoo! News]