There is nothing more that I want in this life than the immersive shower tomb that is officially known as the Experience Shower, but what I have colloquially termed the rave shower. I would forgo all the designer clothing, all the expensive jewelry, all the cabs-everywhere-lifestyle that I assume wealthy people enjoy to fulfill just this one wish: to be able to clean myself every morning in a shower equipped with a waterfall, body jets, flashing LED lights, aromatherapy, sound effects, music of my choosing and, if I were extremely rich, a foot massager.
In 2011, Complex reported that Drake had just installed a rave shower, and I became incredibly jealous. Once I got over the initial pain of envy, I immediately began scheming. I am a music journalist, after all: how could I use my capacity as such to pitch and execute a story on Drake’s experience shower, which would presumably involve my flying to his home in Toronto or Los Angeles? Would this be a Times Style section piece? I began crafting pitches, but after my few initial drafts, there was barely any way to write the pitch without sounding like a creep. There would be no way to properly write a story without actually bathing in Drake’s shower, but if it sounds like a hard sell to an editor, it would probably be an even harder sell to Drake himself. Let’s be clear: a journalist asking a famous rapper/actor subject t0 come over and use his shower looks dicey. But I simply wanted to try actually using a rave shower to see if I liked it, or if I loved it. I like the concept of Drake’s rave shower marginally more than I like the actuality of Drake’s music. I would bathe in his rave shower while bumping music by JME, or Kingdom and Dawn Richard, or maybe “Here Come the Drums,” for rave shower accuracy.
Can you imagine showering under a twinkle of multicolored LED lights, steam from the water fogging up the chamber, while listening to this song? Is there a more complete state of bliss? Of transcendence? Of being completely and totally relaxed, but also uplifted, motivated, rejuvenated?
In my research, I have concluded that the finest maker of the rave shower is Bradford Products, a stainless steel fabricator based out of Wilmington, North Carolina, that manufactures water-related luxury items on both a personal and commercial level. They craft custom products like reflecting pools, waterfalls, and spa items, but in the five or so years I have been typing their website URL into my browser to gaze longingly upon their magical wares, they have not made a more perfect item than this custom experience shower, which is depicted with its “water events,” audio playback, and lighting sequences on blast:
I have purposely started this video at 1:34 so you may experience it in full bliss; set to a soothing soundtrack of classical music, the water pipes down to a mist, before reverting to waterfall mode as the lavender bulbs above flash to a pleasant shade of blue, then green, then fuschia, reminiscent of the heavenly glory of Aurora Borealis, a galaxy of beautifully gaseous stars misting gracefully above your head. By the time the video gets to 4:02, and the lighting effect kicks in as the water spray mimics a rainstorm (to the soundtrack of a thunderstorm), you begin to comprehend that this is more transportive than any ride at any theme park, and that opulence cannot be quantified by how many cars you own, how many nannies you employ. True luxury is defined by how fantastically you get clean.
From the Bradford Products website, a description better than a divine miracle:
This Experience Shower has a unique variety of multi-temperature water experiences combined with relaxing chromatherapy, soothing acoustics, steam and rejuvenating massage sequencing. The interior surfaces are tiled per specifications, and lighting effects are pre-programmed with water, sound and music. The shower includes body jets, a 24″ shower head with misters, waterfalls and a foot massaging flow along the floor. A simple-to-use touch screen interface presents the bather with a choice of 4 unique experiences: Arctic Blast, Island Storm, Aqua Massage, and Tropical Rain. “Shower Select” provides the bather with access to all features so they may create their own unique shower experience.
Before I became obsessed with rave showers, I didn’t even know what “chromatherapy” meant! Can you imagine! Now it is my entire raison d’etre*, and the one material item that truly drives me to amplify my hustle, in hopes that one day I will be rich enough to buy an apartment and also rich enough to subsequently install a rave shower of my own design. But in my quest to test out a rave shower once this obsession developed, I have even considered traveling to the Northern Quest Resort of Spokane, Washington—Spokane!—to test out the rave shower Bradford Products installed there, which is very much like the one in the video I linked above, and is the shower of my dreams. I have not yet made it because my fear of being trapped in a casino resort in a remote region of the Pacific Northwest is almost equal to my love and dedication to the rave shower, but one day, perhaps, I shall fulfill those dreams.
In relaying this love and obsession with the rave shower to my coworkers, I discovered that I am not the only person who is fixated upon the single frivolous item they would buy upon getting rich. Various members of the Jezebel staff expressed a desire for “a treehouse with amenities like Swiss Family Robinson,” “an Olympic-sized pool,” “a closet full of Rihanna’s clothes,” “Rihanna’s friendship,” “courtside seats at an NBA playoff game,” “a trip on a private plane somewhere,” and “a butler to gently wake me up every morning with a cup of coffee so I never have to use an alarm ever again.” Perhaps it’s a uniquely American, capitalistic, individualistic, middle-ass-class-ass endeavor, but dreaming about the one thing you really, truly want is fun. And, goddammit, one day I will clean myself among the lights, the gentle drizzle of the showerhead pattering to the beats of the drum n bass emerging soothingly from the shower stereo.
So: what totally frivolous item would you buy if you suddenly became filthy rich?
*Note: yes, I know you can buy a smaller version of a rave shower in the form of a chromatherapy shower head, but the one I have does not fit on the pipe that connects to my existing, boring shower head.
Image via Bradford Products
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