Random fact — I never dated until last year, at 22. It sounds weird because I’d been in relationships before, so I checked in with one of my best friends from college and asked her if I ever dated anyone. Sure you did, she said, you married him. Luls. Dating for the past year has taught me important things about what I need from people I get involved with- my first relationship post-marriage taught me that when things aren’t working, sometimes trying to make it work is a waste of time, especially if you’re not happy. I learnt that wanting to give someone their dream relationship doesn’t work if that’s not your idea of a dream relationship as well, and that adjusting your desires to fit what someone else wants is unfair to both people. Further down the line, I learnt from someone else that compatibility matters…especially when it comes to being monogamous or not.
I never thought of how I handled relationships in terms of monogamy or nonmonogamy, those specific labels. It didn’t occur to me that there was a term for my preferences, and when it did, I freaked out because I thought — how can someone want to be with me if I can’t give them what makes them happy? Everyone I’d been involved with deeply wanted monogamy, and they seemed to be part of an overwhelming majority. I didn’t want to not be able to give that to them, but eventually I reached a point where I had to put my foot down, throw my hands up and say — I don’t want to be monogamous. Never have. Ever. Ever. Just admitting that was step one, and step two meant that I had to get vocal about it from the jump, so that I wouldn’t end up dating monogamous people and mislead us both about what was possible.
Whoo, that led to some interesting conversations that raised my hackles. I’ve heard some blanket statements and generalizations about nonmonogamy that simply did my head in, so I think it’s about time we educate ourselves, open discussions, and learn from each other. Let’s tackle a few issues in bullet point, shall we? I’ll be using the term poly as a blanket term that encompasses polyamory and nonmonogamy because…well, it has only four letters.
● Poly people just want to sleep with a lot of people. You can switch this up with poly people are greedy, poly people just want an excuse to sleep around, et cetera any format where it just gets reduced to sex. People practice many different forms of polyamory and nonmonogamy; sex might be a driving factor in some interactions, but in others, forming a romantic, spiritual or emotional connection is a priority. Generalizations like the above can be inaccurate and hurtful, let’s avoid them.
● Poly people just can’t commit. Oh, this one gets under my skin to no end. Some poly people want commitment, some don’t. Just like human beings in general. But to assume that because one is poly, one is incapable of commitment is…just…wrong. This one usually gets linked to the first one- operating under the premise that it is impossible to commit to a person if you’re busy smanging other people, i.e. commitment always = monogamy. False.
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