Image: Jack Szwergold (Flickr)

Spring is in the air, and with it, allergies, tank tops, sandals before the weather is warm enough, and, of course, trees in bloom, blessing your various timelines with snowy white flowers against a bluebird sky.

Have you seen this tree? Do you recognize it by sight? Has its odor wafted through an open window on a beautiful spring day, carried in by a sweet breeze, catching you of guard as the unmistakeable scent of semen—bleach-y and sharp—wafted through your home? Ah, yes: the cum tree strikes again!

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This tree—colloquially known in my house as the “cum tree” or “what is that and why” — is actually called the Callery pear tree and, for the record, smells of semen. It’s a shame, really—its a beautiful tree! Reminiscent of cherry blossoms, maybe, or a flowering dogwood—something you’d lay under for a lil’ spring nap and awaken, an hour later, blanketed in sweet blossoms that smell, disconcertingly, of human semen.

Because of the tree’s easy-going nature and ability to grow anywhere you stick it, it’s all over this great country of ours, lining otherwise-pleasant boulevards with its white blossomed branches, and smelling, as previously mentioned, like human splooge. NPR is perhaps too polite to call this tree what it really is, and mentions in 2015 that it smells of “rotting fish and other stinky stuff,” but you canNOT fool me! This tree smells like jizz, I’m very sorry, and I won’t accept any answer other than this, as it is irrefutable correct.

When the issue of The Tree came up as it does every year, a few colleagues disagreed that it smelled like semen, even arguing that the blossoms smell good. In my bewilderment, I turn this question to you. Does this tree smell like semen? This poll will decide indefinitely if a cum tree by any other name would smell as...cummy. Thank you for your time.

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