'Western' Food Will Make You Die Faster

Surprise! Our fat-ass Western diets, dripping with the gluttonous privilege of plundering the third world, gobbling up sugar and grains to make sweet poisons like high fructose corn syrup in the name of delicacies like bacon turtles, are going to make us die faster. Live fast die young, amirite?

According to The American Journal of Medicine, a “Western-style” diet, composed primarily of fried and sweet food, processed and red meat, refined grains and fatty fat dairy products makes the chances of reaching an older age and good health significantly slimmer. So you’re trying to tell me eating waffle fries, hot dogs on fluffy white buns with a side of a chocolate chip cookie dough milkshake is going to make me DIE?! This is news, people.

“We showed that following specific dietary recommendations… may be useful in reducing the risk of unhealthy aging, while avoidance of the ‘Western-type foods’ might actually improve the possibility of achieving older ages free of chronic diseases and remaining highly functional,” says the study’s lead investigator, Dr. Tasnime Akbaraly.

There you have it. We’ve officially progressed to Western society’s peak of food quality to the point that a good ol’ Western meal is an all but certain death. Sounds like the perfect excuse to order sushi in every night. Because, after all, your life is at stake. Steak? (Cue audible groans.)