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Were Suzanne Somers and Her Husband Fucking When She Fell Down the Stairs?

Illustration for article titled Were Suzanne Somers and Her Husband Fucking When She Fell Down the Stairs?
Image: Jon Kopaloff (Getty Images)

Before we begin today’s proceedings, I would like to make it clear that I do not wish ill upon Suzanne Somers or her husband, Alan Hemel. I merely have a theory that I imagine Somers herself would not dispute. Recently, Somers had neck surgery because she and her husband “fell down the stairs.” Knowing what I know about Somers’s personal life, I’m genuinely asking, here: were Suzanne and Alan fucking on the stairs when Suzanne fell?

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Here’s the tepid tea: Somers is apparently recovering from neck surgery after she and her husband fell down the stairs, together, I presume? She fractured her hip earlier this year, and while she was on the press tour for her latest book, she did not deny the suggestion that she might have injured herself while having sex with her husband. She has an extremely active sex life! She fucks. I get it.

In any case, here’s her Instagram, which maybe clears this question up (it doesn’t).

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“As most of you know, I have been struggling for the better part of the year with a fractured hip, and then Alan and I took an unfortunate fall while coming down the stairs at our home,” the caption reads. The pain incurred by the fall was not solved by tequila, so she went to a doctor, got some surgery and is on the mend. Great. Again, I haven’t paid much attention to Somers since learning that she and her husband are still fucking, because if that’s what they’re doing, they don’t need anyone or thing else. And now, based on what little I know, I have to assume they were fucking when they fell! Fall off the horse, get back on it, try again. [Us Magazine]


The fly that appeared at last night’s debate—an entity that I never wish to hear of, speak of, or think about again—was clearly a messenger from the underworld, sent up here by Beelzebub to fetch one of its handmaidens: Davina Potratz is leaving the slimy clutches of the Polly Pocket Oppenheimer men to slink off to one of their rivals, Douglas Elliman.

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No word on whether or not she will remain on Selling Sunset, a show that I have not finished watching and might not... ever! However, my limited viewing experience has revealed to me the pure depths of her evil; she seems like she has bad intentions always, and also, is not very compelling to watch on the TV. I wish you the best, girl, good luck, good night, and g’bless.

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  • Please, if you can, ignore the source and instead revel in this incredible drag of the president. [Twitter]
  • That pudding-faced man I said was hot yesterday, Morgan Wallen, will NOT be performing on SNL after all that video of him making out wth strangers surfaced. [TMZ]
  • Don’t come for Emmy Rossum, blah blah she’ll come for you, etc. [Hollywood Life]

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

May we all keep gettin’ it in our 70s, just like Suzanne.