Even though your day is probably bad enough, thanks to just about every other piece of news coming from just about every other source on the internet, watching this video of celebrity chef and Food Network star Giada De Laurentiis desperately trying to get Ellen DeGeneres and Nicole Kidman to pay attention as she teaches them how to cook risotto balls and a hideous focaccia will sink you further into despair. It is six minutes of profound discomfort, and I’ve watched it twice.
De Laurentiis, who came on the show to promote the new season of Next Food Network Star, begins the segment with a recipe for risotto balls. Though it’s a fairly easy process (you take leftover risotto, ball it up, roll it in almond milk and flour, and fry it in olive oil), DeGeneres immediately ruins her balls due to a complete lack of interest and respect, while Kidman—despite her skillful creation of a single ball—finds the recipe frustratingly incomplete.
“How do you make [the risotto] in the first place, though?” she asks while scooping up some of the questionably sourced leftover risotto. De Laurentiis says nothing.
When placing the ball into the lukewarm oil, Kidman asks, “Where’s the timer?”
“Oh there’s no timer,” the understandably frazzled De Laurentiis responds.
“Pfffffffft,” Kidman says. “I’m precise.”
When they move to the next ill-fated cooking station, where De Laurentiis plans to teach them how to make a clementine and fennel focaccia, things devolve even more quickly. “The last time I was here, we talked about anise seeds,” she tells Ellen, incorrectly assuming her last appearance was memorable. “And you really loved those.”
“Did I?” Ellen asks. “What are they? Anise seeds? Oh, ‘cause it looks like you’re saying anus.”
After Kidman gasps at that joke, Giada dejectedly sifts her fingers through the anise seeds she thoughtfully worked into the recipe for Ellen and says, “I brought them back for you.”
“Thank you so much,” Ellen says with the smile of a very popular high school student who thinks she’s too nice to be a bully, even though everyone privately categorizes her as one. “Thank you for bringing back the anise.”
Giada shakes her head and gives one of those megawatt smiles you smile when you’re trying not to scream. “This is not going the way I was hoping.” The three women then talk over each other for a few more uncomfortable minutes until finally reaching for the cooked focaccia De Laurentiis prepared earlier.
After taking a bite, Kidman announces, “It’s a little tough.”
“NICOLE IT’S BEEN SITTING THERE FOR FIVE HOURS,” De Laurentiis screams as the audience howls. Kidman responds with this:
“I know you’re not meant to criticize,” she continues. “But it’s a little tough.”
Give her a Daytime Emmy.