Here are some important facts about manatees, the ocean’s most majestic creatures: They are herbivores, they spend a great deal of their time sleeping and examining objects (fucking yes!) and their only enemy is the human, a monster that’s pushed every species of the beloved sea cow to near extinction. That’s why I don’t feel sorry for this girl. At all.

First of all, I want to make it clear that like Josh Kurp over at Uproxx, I am on team manatee. Manatees are gentle and nice and they also need to come up to breathe every few minutes which is probably very annoying but they do it anyway because they want to live, just like you and me. Second of all, don’t go into the water disturbing sea life and then acting like they’re messing with your personal space. You know what you’re getting into when you venture into the waves: rocks, piranhas and all sorts of other shit that could kill you. A manatee is honestly the best thing you could hope to find, because they’re non-aggressive and trying to catch a ride on one is only illegal because it hurts the manatee. They can’t do shit to you. They’re also slow as fuck, so even if they roll up on you, you could be in the next county before they were able to give you a hug with their flippers.

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How dare this spring breaker sully the good names of manatees everywhere with her screams? You know what? I bet that fucking manatee was hella embarrassed and probably hurt to be bullied like that. I bet that manatee went home and was very depressed and their manatee friends were all “what’s wrong, Kevin?” (because you know manatees are all named things like Kevin and Todd and Cheryl) and the manatee was all “It’s nothing, it’s nothing” and just sat there looking into space sadly, only stopping to come up for air every three to five minutes and sighing loudly. Because it was something. And it hurt.

Please stop being jerks to manatees.

Also: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU WOULD BRING A SELFIE STICK INTO THE WATER? WERE YOU RAISED IN A GODDAMN K-MART?

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Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.