Watch Lindsay Lohan in the Craptastic Liz & Dick Trailer

By Anna Breslaw | September 21, 2012 | 1:00pm

Celebrities Dirt Bag

Here is the latest Lifetime promo for Liz & Dick, and it is bad. In the 5 seconds that feature Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, she chews so much scenery she winds up with linoleum in her teeth (“YOUAH SCREWING THAT WITCH???!!1*tosses glass*) and in the background blares that dubsteppy-sounding song from a gazillion commercials a few months ago, which, while catchy, is distractingly anachronistic.

Richard Burton, meanwhile, is played by some poor dude named Grant Bowler, who was in Ugly Betty and last year’s ill-fated adaptation of Atlas Shrugged, and whose only transgression seems to be a manager with extraordinarily crap taste. Seriously. It is the corner of Cringe Town and Wince Boulevard. All of Old Hollywood is rolling in their graves right now.

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And here’s LiLo in bed with Charlie Sheen for their cameos in Scary Movie 5. [NYDN]

So much for those hit-and-run claims: video surveillance shows Lindz hitting approx. 0 people. [ABC News]

That thing Paris Hilton (n.: the chemicals that leak out of a damaged pink-Bedazzled razor phone, 2007 model) will not stop talking, and most recently said some idiotic shit about gay men in a cab: “Gay guys are the horniest people in the world… they’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. I would be so scared if I was a gay guy… you’ll like die of AIDS.” Cute.

A PR rep attempted to spin it as such: “Paris Hilton’s comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease.” HAHA, yeah. This is actually just a guerrilla contraceptive campaign. Nice try.

This morning she herself did some damage control by releasing a statement through GLAAD: “I am so sorry and so upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans and their families. Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know.” [TMZ, CNN]

While Ashmi make out in Central Park (and, most recently, on Third Avenue), Demi Moore wore all-white to dinner Wednesday in Los Angeles and did not appear thrilled with the general circumstances. Onlookers say she looked “gaunt and haggard,” and this is actually the first article I’ve heard mention her rehabilitation for “anorexia issues” specifically. Her daughters apparently still aren’t talking to her until she gets her shit together. God, I just want to take her out for a pedicure and remind her that Ashton Kutcher isn’t that fucking great. Remember his racist Popchips ad? [NYDN]

Lady Gaga did put on 25 pounds in Amsterdam and yes, everyone is waaay more concerned about it than she is. (Although she is on a diet now.)

I really don’t feel bad about it, not even for a second. I have to be on such a strict diet constantly. It’s hard because it’s a quite vigorous show, so I tend to bulk up, get muscular, and I really don’t like that. So I’m trying to find a new balance… [but] I love eating pasta and pizza. I’m a New York Italian girl.

I concur. Pasta = It’s The Shit. [HuffPo]

A Kanye West hotel sex tape co-starring a Kim Kardashian lookalike (read: brunette) who claims to be 18 and married (!!) at the start of the footage is being shopped around for an undisclosed, but likely cringeworthy amount of money . The tape is 20 minutes long and was shot some time before he began dating Kim, according to “a San Fernando sex industry insider” (guhh?).

Kanye wears a condom, and the two do not kiss at any point, and in the still on the right, ‘Ye’s glassy eyes indicate a certain disillusionment with the whole affair. Or I read too much Bret Easton Ellis in high school. Or he was just drunk. Or both! Anyway, when Kanye heard the tape would be sold, he was practically “in tears.” Womp. [Radar Online, Bossip]

‘Ye has encouraged Kim K. to model her style after K8 Middleton. [MTV UK]

Amanda Bynes got ditched by her publicist, her manager and her lawyer. And ostensibly her driving instructor. [Us Weekly]
Here’s Shakira’s first shot since her pregnancy news. [Us Weekly]
A source cites Ryan Reynolds’ love for Blake Lively as such: “You were on the cover of Vogue? And you want to cook me dinner? ” FIRST-SEASON BETTY DRAPER ALERT. [Us Weekly]
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth got a $200K sports car. [Daily Mail]
Tim Tebow said some words but is, more importantly, appears to be rolling a giant tire through the Land of the Lost in the accompanying photo. [People]
This is a clip wherein Bristol Palin calls herself “shy.” [People]
Yoko Ono, who I guess is dressing like Tom Wolfe now, is taking over Times Square for International Peace Day. [Page Six]
The mysterious hot Londoner that Liberty Ross pulled is actually an ex-boyfriend of hers named Christopher Taylor.. [NYDN]
Here’s Kathy Griffin sans makeup. [NYDN]
Neil Patrick Harris hints everyone’s ready to make Season 8 of How I Met Your Mother its last. [Access Hollywood]
Scarlett Johansson is set to play Maggie the Cat in Broadway’s Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. (GOD, I wish the role of Brick will go to Bill Murray.) [NYDN]
Whoever runs this blog consisting entirely of Mitt Romney photoshopped onto romantic comedy covers deserves a Purple Heart. [Bossip]