Walnut Thieves With Giant Nuts Steal Nearly Half-a-Million Dollars

This is nuts! (Sorry to all involved.)

A crime wave is cracking shells across California’s San Joaquin Valley, threatening to push walnut farmers out of business. The latest theft resulted in a loss of over $400,000 worth of walnuts. That’s about 140,000 pounds of walnuts. How do you steal that many fucking walnuts, you might be thinking. Turbo squirrels. JKJK; thieves snuck onto the property after-hours and took off with three full large walnut containers.

CBS in Sacramento calls it “one of the largest walnut thefts in recent memory.” What’s worse, the San Joaquin Farm Bureau Federation says these crimes have been escalating.

“Walnuts are a valuable commodity right now, a little bit in short supply. So, when you have that situation, prices are high; it becomes a target,” Bruce Blodgett, San Joaquin FBF.

It’s super sad and terrible for many reasons, one of them being that these farmers take all year lovingly raising their temperamental walnut trees — reading them bedtime stories, massaging them with coconut oil, telling them tales of all the sexy pistachios they’ll meet at Nut U. — and then some dickhole just shows up and chomps down on all their hard work. I was gonna say “nuts to that” to continue our loose theme here but actually, that really sucks and fuck those thieves.