Vogue Thinks Your Platform Shoes Make You Look Fat

I’m often the loudest person in the Gawker Media offices because I’m a big fan of chunky platform shoes. Clogs, boots, stacked heels, whatever: if I can clomp in them, I’m probably on board. I’m 5’2”, so I love wearing shoes that give me a bit of height, but I hate feeling like I’m tiptoeing around on stilts. Platforms allow me to more easily look people in the eye while talking to them while also not making me want to cut my feet off.

ANYWAY, that’s how I feel about platforms, in case you were wondering. No, the reason I’m rambling about footwear is because Vogue has declared that platform shoes are sooo over now that it’s 2013. I’m fine with Vogue making arbitrary fashion statements — it’s Vogue, that’s kind of the point — but the way this article just straight up tells readers to sacrifice comfort in order to look more like a super skinny ballerina sex siren is obnoxious.

Thin-soled shoes are made for thin ladies:

So you would think, then, that the news that thin-soled shoes with a quiet elegance fit for a sylph were wafting their way into wardrobes this season would be universally met with at least measured enthusiasm.

Let’s reiterate: Skinny heels = skinny women. Got it?

“Single soles have a daintier feel and enhance female curves in the legs and calf area,” says Jimmy Choo creative director Sandra Choi. “Skinny pants, ankle lengths, or a sharp, slick silhouette could all be a part of the look.” And Zoraide’s Paola Bay thinks thinner-soled shoes are better proportioned for the female physique. “The platform tends to enlarge the lower end of our bodies,” she says.

What Would Carrie (Bradshaw) Do?

“I only make single-sole shoes,” declares Manolo Blahnik. “They transform the way a woman walks: in heavy platforms like truck drivers, in my shoes like ballerinas.”

Men will hate you if you wear platforms:

According to Bruno Frisoni, who designs his own line in addition to being the creative director of Roger Vivier, “There is something animal in the [single-sole] look-you feel the curve of the foot.” Bay states frankly that “men really don’t like platforms-they find them totally unsexy. For them, even a kitten heel would be better,”

Again, spindly heels will totz make you look more like a lady:

Frisoni reminds us that more slender shoes can make you look like a cinematic heroine: “If you consider the stiletto,” he says, “it’s the perfect proportion. I think it makes you even more feminine, as in the fifties and sixties-Tippi Hedren with a wide, knee-length coat and a stiletto.”

Hah, Vogue stops beating around the bush:

If all of the above has still not convinced you, one designer dares to answer the unspoken question: Do my shoes make me look fat? According to Tabitha Simmons, “I feel that when your shoe is big and clunky, you can look a bit heavier.”