Visitors Inadvertently Polish Bulge on Cristiano Ronaldo Sculpture by Touching it A Lot

A bronze statue of Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo was unveiled at his Pestana CR7 hotel in Funchal Portugal in 2014, and, ever since, the figure’s monumental bulge has been diligently polished by the caresses of frisky tourists.

The Sun reported on Wednesday that the glabrous dick print monument has been made shiny with use. The rest of the statue is dull, but see how its knob gleams like the single star in a semi-flaccid constellation? He’s the man with the golden crotch.

Ronaldo has interesting sculpture mojo. In 2017, the bust you see below, a supposed likeness, was unveiled at the Madeira airport. When asked by Portuguese website Globo Sports to comment on his creation, the artist, Emmanuel Santos, humbly reminded us that “Even Jesus did not please everyone.”

[Note 1/5/19]: As some readers have helpfully pointed out, this article failed to mention that Ronaldo faces a rape allegation. He was accused of assaulting a woman at the Palms Casino Resort in June 2009. We apologize for not catching this before the blog was published.