Urology Clinic Offers March Madness Deal on Vasectomies, Throws in a Free Pizza

Huh?

Wait, what now?

What’s that?

The month of March, for unknown reasons, is apparently the biggest month of the year for vasectomies. I guess maybe it has to do with the burgeoning buds of spring and busy bees o’er-brimming their clammy cells or whatever, but SOMETHING gets dudes thinking ’bout their big old fertile scrotums. Something, each March, inspires men to snip that shit where it counts, ensuring that nobody else’s cells start o’er-brimming, if you know what I mean (I MEAN UTERUSES).

A Cape Cod urology clinic is capitalizing on the spring vasectomy uptick by offering a special: get a vasectomy and they’ll throw in a pizza. (I do not mean that they literally throw a pizza at your testicles during the procedure. Although hot cheese could, potentially, be an effective cauterizing agent. Hmmm. More details as they develop.)

“We want the patient to rest for two or three days after the procedure,” said Evan Cohen, practice coordinator for Urology Associates of Cape Cod. “This way they can put their feet up, watch a game and have a pizza.”

It’s the second time the coastal clinic has offered clients a large one-topping pizza with a lifetime of birth control, a deal credited to a 22 percent bump in business last March, Cohen said.

Men leave the 20-minute procedure, which severs the tubes that carry sperm from the testicles, with instructions for their recovery and a coupon for Surf’s Up Pizza & Seafood in Sandwich, Mass.

After a vasectomy, a man is instructed to support his scrotum with a bandage or tight fitting underwear, ice the area, and avoid heavy lifting as well as sex, according to the Mayo Clinic. There is no official recommendation on pizza.

I mean, okey dokey. Sure. Why not treat elective medical procedures like a “free beef” promotion at a tire store? Hey, they should also offer a thing where you can get your scrotum signed by a retired golfer and the scrub tech is one of those inflatable nylon dancing dudes.

If my doctor is reading this, I would just like to remind her that I have a pap smear scheduled for next Tuesday and I enjoy Philly Cheesesteaks.