Illustration for article titled Unless Your Vagina Smells Like Windex, You Will Die Alone

Playtex's Fresh + Sexy Intimate Wipes are basically adult baby wipes: they're marketed towards people who want to "freshen up" before and after sex. Although they're for both genders, they're mostly marketed towards women because ladies are particularly self-conscious about their genitals, thanks to advertising campaigns such as this one which remind us that we'll only get action if we have pleasingly nondescript barbie vaginas.

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Here's how Playtex advertises their wipes to consumers who don't feel needlessly insecure enough yet:

"A clean beaver always finds more wood."

Illustration for article titled Unless Your Vagina Smells Like Windex, You Will Die Alone
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"A polished knob always gets more turns."

Illustration for article titled Unless Your Vagina Smells Like Windex, You Will Die Alone

"A clean peach always gets picked."

Illustration for article titled Unless Your Vagina Smells Like Windex, You Will Die Alone
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"A clean pecker always taps it."

Illustration for article titled Unless Your Vagina Smells Like Windex, You Will Die Alone
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Ohhh, I think I get it now: genitals are gross.

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DISCUSSION

Huh, Katie? Two of these examples are clearly oriented toward men. I'm all for people of both genders cleaning themselves up before and after sex, particularly if mouths are going to be anywhere other than other mouths. Condomless heterosexual intercourse is just plain messy on the lady end, and clean-up regardless of condom usage might prevent UTIs. Plus, I'm sorry, but for 5 days out of the month these products are the only thing that make me feel like a member of a civilized, hygienic society. I get it too: genitals aren't always clean, and sometimes we might want them to be.

Am I alone in not being offended and actually thinking these ads are pretty cute? Or am I in possession of the only occasionally not-so-clean crotch on the planet? I'm alright with the latter being the case.