Tyra Banks is looking for a Field Communication Manager to wrangle and oversee her crew of flawless beautytainers. In other words, she’s looking for me. When I saw that Tyra was in need of a “consummate writer,” I was like, “Whaaaa.” I believe the following application is the best way to get her attention.
According to a job listing that Tyra tweeted today, the role of the Field Communication Manager is to do things like “drive Beautytainer activity, productivity and retention through effective communications” and “partner with Marketing to manage Communications Calendar for all channels to ensure communication is accurate, timely and effective and drive business KPIs.”
This sounds like something I’d enjoy. Below is my cover letter.
Dear Tyra (I’m addressing you directly because you are a Queen.) (I hope that’s not too forward...) (...) (...Tyra mail!):
I’m applying for the position of Fields Communications Manager at Tyra Beauty because it’s scary how much I believe I’m the best and only candidate for the job. Besides watching every episode of America’s Next Top Model since its inception, I’ve also dedicated my time to following several ex-contestants on Instagram (talk about commitment), including Don Benjamin, who I believe is excellent at smizing.
I also recently convinced my boyfriend to get a lace front beard installed in memory of one of your makeovers. He looked fantastic.
I know everything there is to know about smizing, as well as booty tooching and H-to-T modeling. Earlier this year, as a blogger at Jezebel, I wrote a beautiful piece about why everyone continues to love America’s Next Top Model. I believe it shows my commitment to the Tyra brand. It doesn’t matter that I have little idea what a beautytainer does—I’ll soon figure it out. Because that’s what bosses do. That’s what beautytainers do. They beauty and they ’tain.
I could go on and on about my achievements, but I believe it’s best to instead address how I can support you and your team. Below, I’ve answered all the questions in your listing:
Are you a consummate writer, who just loves to put pen to paper and go? (Yes)
Do you find yourself wanting to entertain and educate others through the written word? (Yes!)
Is your writing conversational, fun, and edgy yet articulate? (Oh my God, Yes!)
Do you love to motivate people and find that you’re all about helping take something complicated and making it simple? (This is scarily sounding more and more like me with every sentence).
Does your writing make even the craziest of ideas sound like something people want to get on board with? (Yes, again: me).
Are you a self starter, who loves to create material? (Indeed)
Do you know what makes for engaging written collateral? (I strongly believe so)
I hope this doesn’t sound pretentious, but in lieu of a résumé, I suggest you utilize the search tools available to you, namely Google.
America’s Next Top Beautytainer-in-Chief
Contact the author at email@example.com.
Image via Getty