Two Trump Ladies May Have Acted Out Bodyguard Scenes With Their Actual Bodyguards

Illustration for article titled Two Trump Ladies May Have Acted Out Bodyguard Scenes With Their Actual Bodyguards
Image: PAUL J. RICHARDS (Getty Images)

As the last few hundred years of American history have resoundingly proven, cops are not hot. But as the Whitney Houston vehicle featuring Kevin Costner has also proven, bodyguards are the hottest possible version of cops, in that their objective is to protect and serve their principal and their principal alone, be it from a murderous sister or just sexually.

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And so it is on this point and on this point alone that a couple of Trump women and I allegedly agree: banging your hot bodyguard is hot.

According to the Guardian, a new book by Pulitzer Prize-winner Carol Leonnig called Zero Fail: The Rise and Fall of the Secret Service claim that not one, but two women close to the Trump administration were also very close to the Secret Service agents assigned for their protection:

“In her new book, she writes that Secret Service agents reported that Vanessa Trump, the wife of the president’s oldest son, Donald Trump Jr, ‘started dating one of the agents who had been assigned to her family.’”

Additionally, the book purportedly alleges that Secret Service authorities “became concerned at how close Tiffany appeared to be getting to the tall, dark and handsome agent” who was on her, ahem, detail following a breakup. Both Tiffany Trump and the good-looking Secret Service agent claimed nothing happened, the agent was reassigned. Vannessa’s G-man didn’t actually do anything untoward, as he was no longer assigned to her following her divorce from Trump’s arguably most rodent-faced child.

The book will make other, wholly believable claims, such as that Donald Trump demanded that members of the Secret Service he deemed “short” and/or “overweight” be removed from the job, demands he makes of pretty much every organization he’s given a position of power within. Well, good job using your unhinged preference to drive big, tall forbidden fruit right into Tiffany’s little mouth dad.

And while I have previously stated my alignment with Trump daughter and former daughter-in-law let me say that I do not stand in any way for the Trump family blanket embrace of discrimination and harassment in any form: it is only okay to bone your security detail after he clearly consents by sexily showing you how powerful his sword is as he cleaves your delicate scarf in an overtly sexual yet metaphorical manner.

DISCUSSION

muqaddimah
Muqaddimah (call me Muck)

Additionally, the book purportedly alleges...”

Well, then I guess I can take what I’m reading here as some good, solid intel. Now, if you had told me that the book allegedly purports that these shenanigans went on, I would have to take that with a big ol’ grain of salt, because I am a discerning and critical consumer of news.