Paula White
Paula White
Image: Getty Images

You may be familiar with Paula White because she currently serves as the spiritual advisor to the president. It’s more likely that you know her as the sycophantic zealot who recently prayed for all “satanic pregnancies to miscarry,” which should be a plotline on the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, but is instead part of our political discourse.

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If you were one of the lucky ones who was unaware of White all together I offer my sincerest apologies for bringing her to your attention now, but because she’s forced her way back into my consciousness I, selfishly, refuse to suffer alone.

It appears White’s name is making the rounds again because she was set to speak at Passover 2020, a conference that promised Christians supernatural protection from the coronavirus. She has now apparently pulled out of the engagement.

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“[...] There is a supernatural protection that is activated when we apply Jesus Blood and celebrate the Passover Lamb,” promotional material for the conference read, “In the days ahead beyond 2020 having a deep revelation about Passover and the Blood in a fresh new way will cause a greater level of the Gloy of God in our life and supernatural protection from many things that are plaguing the world as we carry the cure for every virus and plague!” Sure, Jan.

It’s unclear as to why White has withdrawn from the event. If I had to guess, it may have something to do with the fact that the White House itself is attempting to backtrack on its initial messaging about the outbreak. Especially considering Trump himself, who previously allegedly refused to get tested, has now been tested with the results coming back negative.

Fear not though, for those still hyped up about Passover 2020 with no concern whatsoever about transmission rates that are likely to occur in large crowds, there are still plenty of top quality speakers set to appear. For example, there’s Jonathan Cahn, author of End Times, who claimed that the Trump presidency was foretold in the Bible. Which I can only assume means it’s one of the seven plagues from Revelations, a blow even to the plagues if true.

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The conference itself is being organized by David Herzog, who’d previously invited Kanye West to perform at an earlier conference, Awaken 2020, an invitation which West accepted. Herzog, in addition to being a fanatic conference organizer, is also the author of the book The Ancient Portals of Heaven: Glory, Favor, and Blessing, in which he claims to know the location of secret portals to heave that we can access literally right now.

I’m not sure if Herzog has at any point attempted to make use of these portals, but if he’d like to drop a pin and show me the location of one I’d be glad to test it out on his behalf. If it’s successful I promise to take White’s speaking spot at Passover 2020, but fair warning, I will simply be performing a drag routine while lipsynching White’s satanic pregnancy sermon. I promise it won’t disappoint.

freelance writer living in San Francisco. Please clap.

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