You might know of Paula White as the televangelist who preaches the good (bad) and highly contested news of the “prosperity gospel.” You know, the one that says that if you’re rich it means that God loves you and if you’re poor it’s because God just doesn’t like you very much and that’s your own fault. Joel Osteen is also a big fan of these teachings, which direct you to give money to the church so that God will return the favor. Amazingly both of these individuals are ridiculously wealthy.
If not from her televangelizing and money grubbing then perhaps you might know her as the spiritual advisor to President Tr**p, and the Special Adviser to the White House Faith and Opportunity Initiative. Meaning she’s the funnel through which God has apparently been speaking to the president and to the country at large.
Yesterday, a sermon she gave on January 5th was posted on Twitter, and while it is absolutely batshit bananas, it does provide a little clarity as to why the president is so detached from the Christian values he purports to be core to his belief system. It’s not just because he has no moral compass or sense of compassion by which to conduct his life, it’s also because his spiritual advisor is saying things like “We command all satanic pregnancies to miscarry right now!”
White is from, you guessed it, Florida, so her bonkers prayer is all to familiar to me, having spent much of my collegiate career dodging preachers on my campus telling me that I was going to hell in between class periods. Nevertheless, she makes some pretty outrageous requests of the Almighty that make me wonder just how bad things have gotten in my home state since the last time I visited.
Outside of her asking God to have satanic pregnancies miscarry, which is strange when you consider how vehemently anti-choice she is, a position she holds under the pretense that all pregnancies are divine gifts from above, she also apparently has beef with the entire ocean and most of earth’s wildlife.
“We come against the marine kingdom,” she says, pacing the stage, “we come against the animal kingdom.” Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t like the very first thing in the bible a story about how God created the literally everything on the land and in the sea and saw that “it was good.” The rumors White never actually graduated from seminary school appear to be true because I haven’t cracked open a bible in a decade and even I remember that girl.
It’s also shocking that, considering how aligned she is with the conservative media that is dead set on creating a narrative around the damaging effects of cancel culture, she has an entire section of her prayer dedicated to canceling things. Maybe she didn’t hear, but Jezebel already did that. Among the things White asks God to cancel are; surprises, hexes, spells, witchcraft, and, of course, “any Jezebel.” I assume she wasn’t talking about this website specifically, but I kind of hope she was.
Of course since the clip has made the rounds, White has come forward and said that her words are being taken out of context, and that she wasn’t praying for literal miscarriages of satanic pregnancies, but rather for metaphorical miscarriages of satanic pregnancies. Honestly I’m relieved because if pop culture has taught me anything, it’s that the little devils that result from satanic pregnancies are usually pretty hot (I’m looking at you American Horror Story: Apocalypse and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina), and I’m hoping for more sexy lucifers, not fewer.