Traumatized Condé Nasties Beset by Popcorn Smell, Manicure Drought

To truly understand the cultural phenomenon that is Condé Nast’s wintry odyssey from 4 Times Square to One World Trade Center, we must take a quick peek into the recent past.

First there was The Excitement, bringing with it approximately one hundred thousand Instagram photos of orange packing crates. “And away we go…! #voguewtc” ‘grammed Alessandra Codinha, Vogue.com Fashion News Editor. Poor Alessandra, with not a clue what was coming for her and hers. Namely: Rats. Onward came The Vermin, leaving a trail of poop and destroyed haute couture in their wake. And now? Some bitch is trying to make popcorn at Vogue!

“Given the current rat problem, and the fact that it is Vogue, you would think people would be smarter and wait to munch on buttered popcorn until they can take their Manolos off at home,” a “tipster”—more likely a time traveler from the 1998 set of Sex and the City—explained to Page Six. According to the gossip site, tensions in general are high at the new Condé headquarters:

The laundry list of complaints includes the rodents, which reportedly invaded the fancy fashion title’s offices in November; long waits for deliveries; and a lack of pampering amenities… Employees were also rankled by the large chunks of falling ice from the city’s tallest building — a frightening event that happened twice in February, leading authorities to shut down areas of the perimeter.

People are deliriously reminiscing about the amenities back in Times Square, which is how we know things are really bad: “They have everything in Times Square—sushi, salads, pizza,” a Vogue staffer told Page Six, her eyes filling with blood. Do you know what else they have in Times Square? An endless crush of confused tourists moving at a snail’s pace. Drunk men in Elmo suits looming in for a hug. An H&M on every corner. No visible sky. I have lived that life. There is no place worse than 42nd and Broadway.

Anyway, now that @cafe1wtc is up and running, those nothing-to-eat-in-this-barren-wasteland complaints should be dying down. Unfortunately, there are still “literally no places to get your nails done.” In the midst of this looming spiritual darkness, humanity must trudge on.