Touching Tinder Proposal: Fuck Me Now or Die Alone

Hello, friend! Are you still single and hopeful that love is out there somewhere, just waiting for you to find it and fill your heart with bluejays and butterflies? Well, have I got some bad news for you. Love is dead. Tinder killed it. Then it stomped on its desecrated corpse and ate it. Then it threw it back up and ate it again. You get the picture. Or you will In a second.

Here’s a message that Jules (a woman looking for love and someone who is also frighteningly casual about her iPhone battery) received from a potential suitor who wanted to let her know that she had plenty of choices when it came to romance with him. If plenty is two and if blocking him, deleting tinder and setting her phone on fire isn’t an acceptable option.

Here’s the proposition:

How could anyone in their right mind resist? How could anyone say no? This is like the time when I worked at the video store and a guy came in on Christmas and rented three straight pornos, made small talk with me and then went home to jerk it only to call the store ten minutes later to say “It’s christmas, we’re both lonely, so why don’t you come over and fuck me real good? I have coke.” Don’t do it, Jules! It’s not worth it.