Top 10 Subtle Ways To Tell Him He's Getting Flatulent

As every woman knows, there are some things you can’t just come out and say to your significant other.

Extremely helpful and not at all insulting or trolly website AskMen.com has pointed out that telling your girlfriend she’s getting fat is one of those things. Usually, whenever I read an AskMen.com article, my brain involuntarily plays a fart sound, which reminded me that just as sometimes ladies get fat, men also get smelly, and just as “I’m a shallow dick who cares more about how you look than how you feel” is an inappropriate thing for a man to say to his girlfriend, “Your ass is a volcano of toxic stench” is something you can’t just say to your boyfriend. Here are ten key ways to tell him that he smells to high heaven, without actually coming right out and saying it.

Remember: in relationships, open, honest communication is key, which is why when something is important to you, you should always bring it up via a series of passive aggressive insults swaddled in conversational evasiveness rather than a grown up talk.

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1. Buy him some potpourri or cologne or something for the next holiday you celebrate together. “Accidentally” squirt a little on his backside as he walks by. Give no explanation.

2. Mention that Tiffany’s makes a great sterling silver nose plug.

3. Make careful note of the fact that you have not been gassy lately. Mention it casually in conversation. Example: “Hey honey, how was your day at work? I had an awesome day. No farts.”

4. Cook dinner, but instead of giving him any, give him a plate containing two Beano pills with a nice balsamic reduction glaze.

5. Lament about foods that make you gassy, and hint to him that he should also avoid those foods.

6. When you bring up your male friends in conversation, mention their lack of flatulence. Example: “My friend Chris, who rarely passes gas, has decided to backpack across Croatia.”

7. Tell him that you just read about a study that concluded that couples’ happiness increases as their fart ratio approaches parity. Make up where you read the study. Science dot com or something.

8. Leave pictures of skunks around, along with pictures of him. If he asks you why you’re leaving clutter all over the place, tell him that you hate skunks more than any other animal, because they smell. Tell him that if he has been sprayed by a skunk, there’s no shame in it and that you’d be willing to fill the bathtub with tomato juice so that he can get the stench off of him. When he gives you a confused look, spray him with some Lysol, right in the face.

9. Begin wearing a surgical mask around. If he asks why you’re doing it, tell him you’re trying to monitor your air quality.