Top 10 Lessons Learned From 80's Sitcom Heroines

Inspired partly by Tracie’s opening credits post and partially by this piece in the San Francisco Chronicle about “very special episodes,” I decided to examine the important lessons we learned from our childhood sitcom heroines.

Lesson 1: Ice Pops Are Not A Sufficient Meal
D.J. Tanner desperately wanted to look good in a bathing suit for dumb ol’ Kimmy Gibbler’s boy/girl pool party. Sadly, she decided to obtain the perfect body by subsisting on “ice pops” and working out too hard at the gym. After passing out during a somewhat creepy family fitness excursion (who goes to the gym with their dad, real uncle, and fake uncle, at the age of 13?) , D.J. learns an important lesson: crash diets don’t work. Years later she will look back on this incident as the beginning of her seething hatred for the Gibbler. The Gibbler remains oblivious to said hatred and sends D.J. a Christmas card every year with “HOLA, TANNERITO!” written in hot pink marker across the front.

Lesson 2: It Is Important To Not Leave Your Mom’s Side At The Grocery Store
The entire premise of Punky Brewster is built on the horrifying incident wherein Punky’s mother just ups and ditches her at a grocery store. This terrified me throughout my childhood. If I lingered too long in the cereal aisle, trying to decide between Boo Berry and Count Chocula, and my mother had wandered along to the next aisle over, I had a full out panic attack and started truly believing that I would end up an orphan living with a curmudgeonly photographer. This show is the reason why I insisted upon riding in the cart until I was about 10 years old. Thanks, Punky.

Lesson 3: For The Love Of God, Take Off That Refrigerator Door Another lesson from the crew at Punky Brewster comes to us via Cherie Johnson, who decided to hide in an abandoned refrigerator, and ended up passing out due to lack of air. She was later rescued via CPR, but not by stupid Allen, who had neglected to pay attention in CPR class. Therefore, there are three lessons here: don’t hide in a refrigerator, take the doors off of your old refrigerators, and pay attention in CPR class, lest you end up looking like a total tool, Allen-style.

Lesson 4: The Nerd Next Door Just Might Have A Magic Machine That Makes Him Cool
Have a Steve Urkel in your life who won’t leave you alone? Perhaps you can take inspiration from Laura Winslow, who actually fell in love with the nerd after he “transformed” into Stefan Urquelle. Because being super shallow and falling in love with someone only after they give themselves a magical makeover and lower their voice a few octaves is just a classy thing to do.