Tom Cruise Camp 'Probably Won't Sue' Over 'Bogus' Vanity Fair Article About Secret Vagina Auditions

Another day, another creepy story about a Scientologist’s sex life. Zzzzzzz. The latest comes from the current issue of Vanity Fair, in which writer Maureen Orth alleges that Tom Cruise‘s people “auditioned” multiple “girlfriends” for the star, attempting to find one who would be compatible with both his made-up space religion and his public image. Now Cruise’s lawyer has responded to the story with the mighty grumping of a grumptillion grampa-grumps.

“Their story is essentially a rehash of tired old lies previously run in the supermarket tabloids, quoting the same bogus ‘sources,'” the legal eagle tells E! News exclusively. “It’s long, boring and false.”

…”Unless Maureen Orth keeps spewing this garbage on television, we probably won’t sue them,” the lawyer added. “But anyone associated with this sleazy story should be ashamed of themselves-not just for publishing lies, but also for being unoriginal, sloppy and dull.”

Orth responded to the accusations of boring sleaziness:

“Scientology does not know everybody I talked to, for one thing. But all of my sources in this article with very few exceptions are on the record and these are people who were very high up in the Church at one point,” the journalist said, adding that some of them are still Scientologists and have “gripes against the current leadership,” but “they are not against the religion necessarily.”

Grampa Gripe-Grump gripes again! Gromp grimp gramp gromp. Just keep doing what you’re doing, guys. I’m sure frantic, snide denials will solve all your public image problems. [E!]

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Amanda Bynes has been charged with two hit-and-runs, stemming from the two times this year that she (allegedly) hit stuff and then ran. She could face up to a year of jailtime.

The 26-year-old initially avoided prosecution over the first smash on the Los Angeles Freeway on April 10 due to the absence of an independent witness.

However, the case was re-opened after the second incident August 4.

…Amanda was also charged with Driving Under the Influence (DUI) in June after allegedly scraping a police patrol car while attempting a turn in her BMW on April 6 and being arrested.

She later appealed to US President Barack Obama for help on Twitter, writing: ”Hey @BarackObama… I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.”

YOU’RE THE ONE! AMAN-DUUUUUHHH! [ContactMusic]

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Ryan Gosling is reportedly the top choice to play Christian Grey in a forthcoming Fifty Shades adaptation. “[Author E.L.] James’ hubby Niall Leonard tells the U.K.’s Now magazine that the ‘last he heard’ Gosling is the No. 1 choice to play Christian Grey.” In a related story, last I heard, “melon-baller” is currently the No. 1 choice to remove my eyeballs if I have to read one more fucking word about this shit. [E!]

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Lawyers caution that LeAnn Rimes‘s current invasion of privacy lawsuit could thrust her whole medical history into the spotlight.

“If LeAnn is suing Kimberly then she becomes an open book and her medical history can be relevant and admissible in court,” Cole told Radar. “So if she claims that Kimberly is causing her emotional distress, her lawyers can say, ‘No, we want to look at your medical records because you could have been suffering anxiety for a lot of things before, which caused you to enter a rehab or a mental health institution,'” he explained. “Your entire medical file becomes an open book when you choose to sue.”

…Even if they are in the right, “a lot of times people won’t sue because it just opens up a whole can of worms and thrusts the recordings into evidence. Technically it could be illegal, and technically you could be subject to a fine, but a lot of people will just look the other way on this stuff,” he explained.

Oh, blergh. [Radar]

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• Michael Clarke Duncan‘s funeral services are set for next week. [AP]
• Evocative: “Andy Roddick Plays Final Tennis Match, Brooklyn Decker Cries.” [JustJared]
• Bradley Cooper explains why he quit partying: “I was at a party, and deliberately bashed my head on the concrete floor,” Cooper said. “Like, ‘Hey, look how tough I am!'” [ShowbizSpy]
• Here’s Jill Scott looking like a gorgeous sass-pot on the cover of Essence. [Bossip]
• Snooki‘s baby is on the cover of People. Bog-standard baby. [People]
• Triple H cut off his ponytail. [TMZ]
• The I.T. Crowd‘s Chris O’Dowd sexted his Twitter followers a sexy lingerie shot of his new “wife” Dawn Porter, who is actually just a decoy to distract the media from the BURNING EROTIC HURRICANE THAT IS HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. [DailyMail]
• Rita Wilson has been cast to play Marnie’s mom on Girls. [Hollywood]
• Terrence Howard‘s 18-year-old daughter got married and has a baby inside her. [Bossip]
• Here’s Mayim Bialik with a detailed update on her mangled hand and medical finger-SPANX. [Radar]
• The feds want to put Shepard Fairey in prison for being a creep. [TSG]
• Bob Barker wasn’t invited to appear on The Price Is Right‘s 40th Anniversay Special (WTF?), but he’s “fine with it.” [TheClicker]
• Tila Tequila saw a UFO, warns earth about “fucking REPTILIANS.” [WOWReport]
• Hahahahahaahahaha, Talan from Laguna Beach got a DUI. Hahahahaha, TALAN! From LAGUNA BEACH!!! Haaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaa!!! [Radar]