Toddlers & Tiaras: Octogenarian Competes In Child Pageant

Just as Toddlers & Tiaras started to get stale—and flippers, baby spray tans, and the concept of glitz began to seem normal—the show pulled out a winner last night by featuring an 83-year-old pageant contestant.

Melissa Bergeron has a 5-year-old daughter named Nicole, and an 83-year-old mother named Virginia. All three gals entered into the Gold Coast pageant, which is primarily a child beauty pageant that also has a mother/daughter category, and some mercy categories—divided up, according to age—for moms who don’t want to pull the dead weight of their children.

All three of the Bergeron ladies are compelling in their own way, but first let’s examine how they spend time together: Melissa puts on a pair of clear heels and spins around on her “fitness pole” while her mother and daughter alternately look on/ignore her.

Melissa is obsessed with beauty. She’s “all into the glamor,” which involves mail order butt glue, and she is focused on getting her family to work their way up “the glitz ladder.” (That’s actually not one of her many euphemisms for her stripper pole.)

Meanwhile, Melissa’s daughter Nicole is focused on other things that are equally inane, but perhaps less lofty.

All three of Bergeron ladies wear wigs with varying frequency.

For Virgina, flippers are called dentures, wheels are called walkers, and diapers are called Depends.

The funny thing is that Melissa (who looks like Kim Zolciak on a bad day) smack talked her daughter’s and mother’s chances at actually winning anything. Virginia actually placed 1st runner up in her division, while Melissa placed last.